Dates and Roommates

I'm freakin out, man.  I signed up for a roommate finder website, and there weren't a lot of options.  I've contacted a couple of people so far, but the first stopped responding after he got pictures and the other hasn't replied yet.  If the second doesn't today, I'm going to have to post an ad on...

C r a i g s l i s t !!!

Cue the shrieking.

To be fair, I have had a lot of pleasant transactions occur from that site.  I've sold stuff, discovered several of my past residences, and actually found my last roommate who turned into a best friend.  But I've also been contacted by some creepers, and that's what makes me the most nervous.

Last time I was looking for someone to join me in finding a rental.  This time I'm inviting someone into my house, my home and place of comfort.  I need to be able to trust them, especially with my pets.  Guess I'll just have to develop a very strict screening process.  Or I could just chill the eff out and trust my instinct with whoever applies.  We'll see.

In other news, the guy I went out with asked for another date.  I kind of told him I just wanted to be friends, and he seemed cool with it.  Said he still wants to hang out which would be nice because we did have an enjoyable time.

The next weekend I hung out with his cousin (by marriage... does that still count?) for an evening.  I'd actually be holding out on finding a roommate the past couple of months in hopes that he'd be able to rent the room, but it didn't work out.  I used to work with him, and he's an entire decade younger than me, but the night was pretty fun.  He offered to drive because he knew I wanted to drink.  It was cool to hang out with a guy with no pressure or expectations.

I've been talking (texting) to Dakota Guy (what I'm now calling the guy I've known forever and asked out a couple of months ago) a lot still.  We spoke on the phone last night for the first time in awhile.  Our conversations are always at least a couple of hours long and quite enjoyable.  We text pretty much daily, and I really like the feeling of having someone to check in on every now and then.  I miss that from being in a relationship.  The light flirting is also pretty nice.

Testing the Waters

I went on a date last night.  My first first date in over three years, and I was pretty proud of myself.  I was nervous, but not overly so.  I came off as pretty confident (I think) and was surprisingly half decent at the conversation.  He seemed shy or nervous or something and didn't talk a whole lot at first, and I was pretty happy with myself as I kept the conversation going.  Something I'm rarely able to do.

He actually offered to pick me up, which surprised me.  We went to dinner then walked around for a bit.  We ended up on a bench by the water where we talked for a long time as we watched the lightning show from a storm offshore.  When we realized how late it had gotten, he drove me home.  We said our goodbyes from the truck with no mention of seeing each other again from either of us.

Which is fine.  He seemed really nice, but I don't think we have much in common at all.  And he's shorter than me.  I know that really doesn't matter, but I've always been weird about it.

And for some strange reason, I don't think I'm destined to be with a southern boy.  Dates with them have never led to another, and all the relationships I've been in have been with guys from the north or midwest.  Weird.

I've been thinking about my ex-husband more lately.  I think it's because I've been really missing that deep, close connection with someone.  That feeling of being all in and knowing they want you for who you are.  Which I haven't felt in the many years since him because I don't think I ever truly had it with the most recent ex.  But my husband was my first love, and I keep wondering if you ever get to have that feeling again with someone else.  Does it work like that?

Que Sera, Sera

"What screws us up most in life 

is the picture in our heads
of how it's supposed to be."

I've seen this quote around the internet a lot lately, and it's got me thinking.  Since I was in high school I've pictured myself falling in love with a man and having children with him.  Of course we'd have trials along the way, but overall we'd have our own happily ever after.  Or whatever the real life equivalent of that is.  And I've never questioned it.  In my mind that's just how it's supposed to be.

But what if it's not?

Maybe I'm not actually going to have a lifelong partner.  Maybe I'll be with different people and enjoy the time with each of them while it's good.  Maybe they'll each be serious for a while, or maybe they'll all be casual.  Or it could be a mix.

Maybe I won't ever have children.  Maybe I won't actually create a little life and feel it grow inside of me.  Maybe my body's not capable of it.  Maybe adoption won't ever be an option.  Maybe I'll never be financially able to support someone other than myself.

It's sad and a little scary to think that the major things you've always wanted just might not happen.  But it's also kind of liberating at the same time.  It could be the "live for today" mentality starting up.  Or that old saying "stop trying and it'll happen" that everyone loves to tell you.  Or maybe it's just me getting tired of being disappointed... "You can't be disappointed if you have no expectations." 

I don't know if I believe in fate.  Are things really meant to be?  Does everything happen for a reason?  Looking back I can see how things that have happened have led to other important things, many times good.  And that brings comfort when you're going through a hard time.  But is that how it was supposed to go down, or was it just coincidence?

Maybe there's another purpose for my life.

Maybe I just suck at relationships.

Maybe I'll find out one day.

Accident

I've been very lucky through the years with driving.  There have been some close calls, but I've never had so much as a traffic ticket, let alone been in an accident.  Until this past week.  I was driving to work and got rear ended at a light.  I got hit hard and pushed into the car ahead of me.  It scared me pretty badly, and I think I was in some form of shock for a little while.  I was kind of spacey and shaky.  And now...

My.  Back.  Effing.  Hurts.

It had been hurting some before, and I actually had X-rays done the day before the accident.  Then after, I went straight to the doctor and they did more X-rays than I've ever had at one time.  They joked I should be glowing and instructed me not to try to get pregnant that night because I'd been exposed to so much radiation.  Awesome.

Anyways, they said my spine looked okay, but X-rays don't show anything with the discs.  Since the accident I've had more pain in my lumbar area and it's going down my legs a lot again.  I'm nervous.  My neck and middle back hurt now too, and I've got an appointment with my chiropractor this week.  Joy.  My poor car will need some doctoring too.  Not too bad, but I hate seeing it damaged like that.  We've been through a lot together.

I talked to my parents and they were all, "GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!  GET A LAWYER!"  They had a convincing argument, and even though I hadn't been planning on it, I got a lawyer.  I was nervous to because I've never needed one before other than to close on a house, but I'm glad I did now.  They were awesome and are going to handle everything.  Which is nice, because I had no idea where to start.

Oh how I hope this all goes smoothly.

New Developments

First thing first... I have a new nephew!  My youngest "sister" had her first child, a boy, a little over a week ago.  He is gorgeous, and she is so happy!  They live very far away, and I have no idea when I'll get to see them but I can't wait to meet him!

I also have a new little one, but of the four-legged and furry variety.  This is my new kitten...

She's about seven weeks old and all of two pounds.  She was found by a co-worker's boyfriend under the hood of a car that had been driven to his shop to get worked on.  Luckily the person lived just down the street, and the three kittens inside weren't hurt at all.  I fell in love with her as soon as I saw her picture.  I've sworn up and down over the years that I would never have another kitten, but here she is.  My first cat was a little hellion as a wee one, and I've had no desire to go through that again.  But I've now got him all grown up and a dog to play with her, so I think it'll be okay.  Plus she already has the sweetest disposition I think I've ever seen in a kitten, so that's on her side too, haha.

I had lunch with my ex-boyfriend's mother a little while ago, and apparently it freaked him the mess out.  Which I of course find hilarious.  She doesn't know that he cheated on me, and I guess he was afraid that I would tell her.  She told him about our lunch date a week before we actually met up, so he got to fret for a while.  He wanted to know all about it and texted me not even a few hours after the fact.  Of course I didn't tell her, but I do get a tiny bit of enjoyment from his freakout.

He's been texting me every so often, trying to remain friends.  He said the other day that he misses us (me and the pets) and thinks about us every day.  And that he knows how to ruin a good thing.  Of course I'm over thinking the fact that he said he misses us and not just me.  I know our pets were and still are a huge part of our lives, and he loves mine too.  But I'm wondering if he misses that part of the relationship, our life altogether, more than being with me.

Someone asked me out the other day.  Technically, he asked me to "hang out", but that's the same thing these days, right?  I hate dating.  He's currently out of town for work, but asked if I would be interested in meeting up with him when he gets back.  I said yes.  Not sure how I feel about it or him yet... I only met him once a couple of years ago.  But I guess it'll be good to get that first date back in the stupid game out of the way.  From all I've heard about him, he could be a really good guy, so who knows.

I'm still worried about my back.  It was feeling somewhat better, but this past weekend it started hurting really badly again.  But AF is in town, and it always hurts then, so I'll give it a little more time before I call the doc.  Oh, and I got the final bill for the endo surgery.  Yeah... I'm going to be paying medical debts for the rest of my life.  Le sigh.

Oh, and I totally forgot to mention that I got a new piercing about six weeks ago.  I'd been wanting a non-traditional ear piercing for a long time, but never could decide what.  Then one day I decided to do it and got my inner conch pierced.  I love it!

So, yeah.  Mostly good things lately.

I'm Scared...

I'm scared that I've fucked up my back once again.  I was at work yesterday when a call came from a client that his family's dog had died.  He was out of town, and his teenage son found the body.  The son was going to bring us to the dog to have cremated.  Our vet side is closed on the weekends and we're short-staffed right now, so it was only me and one other girl working.  So I picked up half of an 80+ pound dog.  And now my back fucking hurts.

I know I shouldn't have, but there really wasn't an alternative.  I wasn't going to ask a teenage boy to carry the dog he's had since he was two years old to the back of a kennel, put it in a bag, and put it in a freezer.  No one should have to do that to their family pet.  That's what we do.  The surgeon gave me the all clear a few weeks ago and said I had no weight restrictions.  So I did it.  And now I'm scared the disc has ruptured once again.  I really have no way of telling without an MRI, so I'm just going to give it time and see how it does.  It doesn't hurt too badly compared to the worst it's ever been, but it didn't the last time it ruptured either.

I'm scared it may be time for a new job.  I really like where I am and enjoy what I'm doing, but it can be physically demanding at times.  Everyone there has been so understanding and helpful, not letting me do physical things, but shit like yesterday is bound to happen sometimes.  I did have a potential offer for a reception job, but it's not a certainty, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it.  But it's something to consider, I guess.

I'm scared that I'm never going to have my family.  Even if I do manage to find a fella and have a baby, I'm scared that I have no business trying to raise another human being.  I feel like I'm so fucked up sometimes that I would probably be a terrible parent.  I'm scared that I'm a failure at adult life because I didn't go to school for a steady job and have the money I need to support a family.  Right now I'm in so much debt from surgeries and am barely making ends meet.

I'm kind of freaking out a little.

Of course...

I took a big step this week.  I confessed my feelings to someone I've liked for many years and basically asked him if he felt the same and wanted to try us in an actual relationship.

He said no.

Because that's how my life goes.

He said it wasn't because he didn't feel the same back and that he really does think we'd be good together.  It's just that he's working through things and doesn't know what he really wants out of life with career, family, or kids.  He's not ready for that serious of a commitment.  Uh huh.  How many times have I heard that now?  I actually do believe him though.  He's always been very honest and upfront with everything, and I know he is going through something right now.  But it just sucks.

I think this was the first time I've ever really asked someone out like that.  And I really thought he would say yes.  We've got good chemistry, and I know he's been into me for years too.  I think we would be amazing together.

How old do you have to be to know what you want out of life?  I know that's not fair and doesn't work for everyone, but I've known I wanted love and family since I was in high school, and it's been so hard to wait this long.  My ex-husband said he wasn't ready for it all at 26, unless there was more he wasn't telling me.  Then my "friends with benefits" guy who I really liked as more wasn't sure at 28.  The most recent ex is 38 and says he doesn't know.  But he cheated on me, so who believes anything he says.  And now this guy at 32.  I mean, after so many people saying the same thing, you kind of figure you're the common denominator.  Is that just it?  Am I not meant to find it?

Or maybe I already have...

At least I've got him.

I'm Terrified

I think this whole being cheated on thing is affecting me more than I initially thought.  When I first found out I felt physically sick.  I was nauseous, lightheaded, and felt like I was about to jump out of my skin.  Then I was just angry that someone I loved could actually do that to me and not even feel badly about it.  Now that he's gone but still trying to communicate with me on an almost daily basis, it's starting to hurt at a deeper level.

I think I tried not to take it too personally at first, just blaming it on him being an asshole, but of course now I have more quiet time to myself to actually consider and process everything.  Now I'm scared that it's going to affect my future relationships.  If I ever thought I could trust anyone not to cheat it was him, given his history of being cheated on pretty badly in the past.  How do you let go of the fear of being lied to again?  How do you learn to trust?

He let me go on and on about our wedding and talking about our future children.  I went to that freakin bridal fair.  I feel like such an idiot.  But I didn't know.  He's a good liar.

I wish he had just been honest with me from the beginning.  I mean I certainly gave him plenty of opportunities to tell the truth.  I outright asked him, and he chose to lie.  So instead I found out the hard way and felt even more betrayed.  If he had told me way back when it first happened he could have saved me quite a few wasted months.  And a lot of heartache.  I hate being lied to.

I'm Free!

My house is all mine again!  The ex moved out this weekend while I spent time with some wonderful friends and their little one.  It was a perfect weekend.  I got to have girl talk and baby cuddles.  The drives up and back were good.  The change of scenery and time spent away was very relaxing and much needed.

I came home to a nearly empty house, which was bittersweet, I suppose.  It's nice to not have the tension anymore, but I'm readjusting to living alone again.  A majority of the common furniture was his, and the house is kind of empty now.  I still have my couch and chair, but they're so much smaller than his and take up less space, so the house seems bigger.  I got rid of my dining room table when he moved in because his was nicer, so that part of the house is just barren.  The front bedroom was our office and he took both the massive desks (I didn't want that huge thing), so that room is totally empty.  The loft is practically empty and is currently my new office.  At least the bedroom is still the same.  And there's a ton more room in my closet, haha.  The house is a blank canvas I will have to fill, which should be fun!

My cat seems very happy to have the other dog gone.  My dog was pretty depressed that he didn't have his friend to play with anymore.  He was very mopey at first, wouldn't eat and didn't really want to play at all.  I've been giving him a ton of attention, and his spirits seem to have lifted some now, which makes me happy.  He's been a huge cuddle bug too, which I've enjoyed.  I really do miss the other pup though.

It will just take some time to find our new normal.  We've done it before and are pretty good at it now.