Overdue

... on quite a few things.  Firstly, here.  Almost a month again.  Geez.

On planning for retirement.  I adulted and started an IRA this morning.  I wanted to and should have set one up years ago, but could never really afford it.  I still can't, but a little something put towards it occasionally is better than nothing.  Yay.  I also attempted to adult again this week and applied for a debt consolidation loan.  Denied.  Can't win 'em all.

Not sure if I'm early, overdue or right on time for this next one.  I asked Dakota Guy again if he'd be interested in seeing if we could be an us.  That was Monday.  He's way overdue on answering.  I texted him the question, and he replied promptly asking if we could have a phone conversation about it soon.  Apparently our definitions of "soon" are slightly different.  We did finally agree to talk this weekend, but there are only about nine hours of that left.  He better get on the ball.  He kind of implied he wouldn't be saying no, but why the hold up?

Overdue on totally letting go of the ex-boyfriend.  He asked me out to dinner again last weekend, and I agreed to go hoping we could be actual friends.  The conversation was great and it was like old times.  Until the trip home.  I asked if we could go back to his place so I could see our old dog.  No.  He's seeing someone who is apparently living with him and he didn't tell her he was out with me.  He didn't learn a damn thing from our split even though he knew how much he hurt me.  I don't believe I'll be having any more dinners with him.

Finally got my oldest kitty to the vet for another dental cleaning.  It all went well, and no extractions were needed.  He came home smelling differently, and ever since my youngest cat has wanted nothing to do with him.  He goes about his business, and she'll hiss and growl at him.  Luckily she doesn't act on it, and he doesn't really pay her any mind.  It's so peculiar though.  It's been three days, and I wonder how much longer this will last.

Other updates...
- Roommate is in.  I rarely see him.
- Back and leg are still feeling decent.  Pretty excited about it.
- The diet is still going well.  Slowly but steadily losing more weight.

That's about it for now.  I'm sure there will be more soon if/when Dakota Guy answers me.  Whichever way it goes I'm sure I'll want to overthink it here.  Because that's what I do.

It's Valentine's Day...

...so I'm home cuddling with my critters.  Not a terrible way to spend the day.  So much love coming from them!

I'm sick.  I've just got a cold, but it's freezing outside, and I don't want to do anything anyway.  I jinxed myself into it too.  Last weekend I was thinking how I'd made it this far into winter without getting sick and was all proud of myself.  So much for that.  I did have to miss going to see my parents yesterday though.  My stepdad's had pneumonia for a few weeks now, and we couldn't risk him getting any sicker.  My mom warned me again that this might do him in.  Which I knew.  As soon as he got sick again I knew.

My birthday was a couple of days ago.  Thirty-three.  Wow.  The girls at work went out of their way to make it special for me... decorations, gifts, cake.  It was really sweet.  I've been dieting and decided to treat myself to pizza and beer that night, which was fucking fantastic.  I'd started feeling sick that day and probably shouldn't have eaten all the junk, but it was delicious.

Got my final back injection last week.  It hurt pretty badly once again, but I've been feeling good since then.  They said this one should last longer, and I hope it does.  I'm going to stop pursuing treatment after this.  I'm tired of it and putting myself through the painful ordeal.  I'm just gonna deal with the pain from the scar tissue until it hopefully breaks up, or whatever it should do.

A new roommate is moving in in a couple of weeks.  A guy who will be staying about three months.  Hopefully we'll get along and everything will go smoothly while he's here.

I've been eye flirting with a very handsome fella at the gym.  We're there at the same time very frequently, and I swear I'd catch him looking at me.  So I started looking back.  We'd make brief eye contact occasionally, then one of us would look away.  About a week and a half ago he was walking across the room, and I caught his eye and smiled, and he smiled back.  I thought for sure he'd come talk to me, but nope.  The next time I saw him there I noticed him looking at me more, so I'd glance his way more also.  We locked eyes at one point, but it felt really awkward.  So I have no clue, as usual.  I haven't been since early last week because of the injection and now sickness, so I guess we'll see what happens next week.

Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Woah!

I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .


**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.

Not even pregnant and I get an epidural...

How cruel is that?

I finally met with my surgeon yesterday and the disc has NOT ruptured again!!  He said the nerve root channel is narrower because of the amount of disc that has been removed and there's also scar tissue around the nerve.  So it's staying irritated.  The plan now is to get an epidural cortisone-type injection... eek.  But it's better than another surgery.  The other option is lumbar fusion which neither of us wants now!

The written interpretation of the MRI was put in my medical records online, and I found an interesting little tidbit.  "Numerous large calcified gallstones are present."  Isn't that just fantastic.  If I hadn't discovered that myself, no one would have told me.  My back surgeon didn't because he wasn't looking up there.  Is it his responsibility to tell me even though he's just concerned with my lower back?  Is he required to look over all the results, or just the portion he's tending to?  I really don't know.  No other doctor is going to see the results.  I've had no symptoms, so I guess I'll just keep an eye on that myself.

Moving on.  Surprisingly, for very brief moments the ex actually got me thinking about us getting back together.  All week I've had little thoughts creeping into my mind which got me remembering the good times we had.  Then common sense would kick in and remind me how emotionally unsupportive and distant he usually was.  I couldn't be happy with that forever.  Still though, it would be so easy to just fall back together, and I wondered about it.  But last night finally did it for me.  I dreamed we did just that and it wasn't good.  I regretted it immediately and wanted out, so I guess that's my answer.  Just needed my subconscious to back me up.

I've been practice talking to guys, if that makes sense.  I've never been good at conversation, especially on dates with men, so I thought I could take this time away from dating to work on my lack of skills.  There's a popular messaging app where you can pretty much make up your info and talk to people.  So I created one of those and started conversing with a few fellas.  They're all relatively local, but I didn't post a picture and haven't been quite honest answering some questions.  I fib on my line of work and particular details about my life just in case I were to ever meet them on the street.  Not that that's likely to happen, but you never know.  And you can't be too safe on the internet.  It's been fun so far, and maybe my next first date won't be so awkward.

Closure?

It feels like so much has happened in these last two weeks.  I had the MRI but don't know what it showed yet.  I was supposed to find out this past week, but once again the surgeon's office called to reschedule.  For a week and a half out.  So frustrating.

My roommate moved in last weekend, and it's surprising how similar she is to my old roommate.  Of all the different kinds of people in the world, how did I end up with the same exact one?  Not that it's a bad thing at all, we're just so very different.  She's very nice and polite, and I don't think we'll have any problems at all.  I don't see us getting close like the last roommate, and that's okay.  Previous awesome roommate is actually in town this weekend, and we're hanging out tonight.  Oh, how I've missed her!

My Whole30 is complete!  I lost eleven pounds over the month and all my clothes are so much looser.  I fit back in a pair of jeans I haven't worn in two years.  On Day 31 I reintroduced dairy.  I needed my coffee creamer, except now I make my own from organic goodness.  I had almost every intention of doing the reintroduction phase by the book, but I didn't. A client at work bought us lunch, and I indulged a little.  Nothing bad, but not what I was supposed to be eating.  And then yesterday I was doing well until...

The ex-boyfriend invited me out to dinner.  He's been texting me occasionally the past couple of weeks apologizing for all he did and asking if I wanted to "grab a bite."  Yesterday afternoon he texted a picture of our dog that he took with him and tried to start a conversation.  Then he asked me to dinner.  I've been so angry with him all this time and thought maybe I could get some closure, so I said yes.

He picked me up and actually opened the car door for me for the first time ever.  We went downtown to a restaurant we both really like and waited at the bar until our table was ready.  Almost immediately after getting our drinks (my first alcoholic one in over a month... it was awesome!) he started echoing his text messages with I'm sorry and I know I fucked up and if I could just turn back time.  Then he got down to it and stumbled over the words as he tried to ask if I would give him another chance.

He told me to think about it, but I didn't have to and didn't want to lead him on so I told him I wasn't interested in that.  He said he understood.  Throughout the meal he tried some more, asking if I was sure and saying he was ready for marriage and children.  I was firm.  Surprisingly, he actually teared up a lot.  After dinner we walked around downtown and ended up on a bench by the water.  He kept starting to say something, then would stop.  He eventually got it out which was basically more of the same, and I took the opportunity to say some things I never did back when it all it all went down.

I asked him why he cheated, and he said it was because every time he and I tried to have sex, he hurt me.  There it is.  Again.  Stupid fucking endometriosis and pelvic floor dysfunction.  I know that's not the entire reason and that he was the uncaring asshole, but come on!  I'm tired of sex being a contributing factor to my relationships ending!!!

As we walked back to the car he kept asking me to consider hanging out again and said he wasn't giving up on us yet.  I told him he needed to be prepared for not getting the answer he wants.  He took me home and asked if he could see my dog.  We went outside, and he actually started crying as they played.  It was sad.

I feel a little uneasy about the evening, but I'm glad I went.  I got to say what I wanted to say and I know he truly regrets everything he did.  I guess that's something.

Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.