Dating is Hard

I ended things with the new guy today.  It had been two weeks since I'd seen him last, and I had been looking forward to spending time with him again.  I've been on vacation this week, and after traveling around the state to visit friends I drove to see him yesterday.  Immediately upon seeing him I felt nothing.  We spent the afternoon together watching movies and walking along the beach.  We had dinner and fell asleep watching a movie.  It was nice to feel arms around me again, but it didn't trigger anything inside me.  He's not the one, and I woke up early stressing about how I would break it to him.

We were supposed to spend today together too, but I didn't want to draw out the inevitable.  When he woke up I just told him.  Gently.  And he was awesome about it.  He didn't understand, but thanked me for being honest.  I got my things together and prepared to leave.  He hugged me tightly and drew it out.  I wondered if I'd been too hasty with my decision, but I know I wasn't.  I should have been feeling more by now if he was the right one.  We never really had things to talk about, and I don't think our personalities would have meshed well together long term.  I know I did the right thing, but I feel so crappy.

I'm home now and am regrouping.  Unpacking, doing laundry and such.  Tomorrow my mother and I are having a girls day.  Friday I've got to take my car in.  Had some issues on the drive, and luckily a friend was able to temporarily fix it so I could continue my trip.  The weekend holds a surprise birthday party for a friend.  So I'll be staying busy.

Difficult Day

It's Mother's Day, and I really didn't expect today to be so hard.  All week I've been focusing on my mom and the goodies I was giving her.  We celebrated yesterday, and it was so nice.  We spent the whole afternoon together, and my stepdad and I cooked her dinner.

Last night on FB I shared a blog someone posted that was aimed towards childless women on this holiday.  Even with that, I was posting more for the women I know who are battling infertility, thinking they would appreciate seeing it.  I still felt fine and not sorry for myself.  I figured today I would feel the same, but I don't.  I woke up to find FB filled with nothing but Mother's Day posts, which I totally expected, but it actually made me cry.  I knew I shouldn't have checked the site, but I really thought I would be unaffected.  Apparently not.

And I don't know why, but the fact that none of my "sisters" liked or even acknowledged my post really pisses me off.  I know they're in their own little Mother's Day bubbles and are happy there.  I know that they may feel awkward and not know what to say regarding my childless situation.  But still.  They know better than anyone how much I've always wanted children.  I know it's stupid, but it just would have been nice.  It's just one little click of a mouse.

Anyway, I called my mother to wish her a happy day once again.  I messaged my ex-boyfriend's mom to wish her one too.  She said she was having a quiet day at home, so I invited her out for a meal.  She didn't want to be at a busy restaurant today, so I'm taking her out to dinner tomorrow.  I'm so happy she and I are still friends.

Moving on, I met a fella.  On Tinder of all places.  He's retired military and is currently a full-time student studying to be a doctor.  So far he seems to be the perfect gentleman.  He's kind and affectionate, and we have similar stances on a majority of the big issues.  He lives a couple of hours away, so seeing him is tricky.

Our first date was at a halfway point.  We had lunch then talked for several hours.  He came to my town this past week on my day off, and we spent a majority of the day together.  Our first kiss was at a gorgeous spot in a nature park at sunset.  I was supposed to visit him today, but he's had to study for finals all weekend.  Maybe this coming week.

As much as he seems like a legit guy, I'm so scared.  At one point during our second date he pulled out his phone, and my instinct was to steal a glance at it.  And of course it was up on a text to someone with a female name.  It could be anyone.  Friend, family member.  But it was only our second date, and he could totally have been texting another potential date.  But if it was, it sucks that he was talking to her while on a date with me.  I did ask him after our kiss if he was dating anyone else, and he said no.

The point is, I hate my ex-boyfriend for turning me into this.  Before learning he cheated on me, I never would have looked at that phone or felt any paranoia like this.  I hate that my first instinct was to sneak a peek at it.  But to be fair, I still text Dakota guy every day, and we'll always be friends.  I've got to give him the benefit of the doubt.

It's so hard to put yourself out there knowing what can happen and how badly you can potentially get hurt.  But you have to fight through and hope that you will one day find what you're searching for.

WTF?!

I'm not going to visit Dakota Guy.  Long story short, he's not emotionally ready for anything.  I totally understand and want him to get better.  We decided that when he is ready, if we're both still single we'll give it a shot.  But I told him I wouldn't be waiting.  Honestly though, chances are I'll be single until then.  Because men fucking suck.  Not him, but others.  And here's why...

This morning I got a FB notification of the birthday of the first guy I went out with after my separation five years ago.  I had no business starting to date back then because I was an emotional wreck, but I wanted attention from a man, and he was interested.  This guy was a college professor, and we had one nice date.  He decided living an hour apart was too much, so we didn't see each other again.  Through the years we've said passing hellos on FB and a few years ago set up a date that never happened for one reason or another.

So I wished him a happy birthday today, not expecting anything back.  He promptly messaged me with "Thank you, pretty lady."  I got all excited like, oh yeah, he's still interested.  We chatted a few times back and forth with pleasantries and how have you beens.  He said he was working today, and I replied that I hoped he had some fun tonight.

Then he fucking said... "Maybe you should send the birthday boy a naughty pic... that would make the evening fun!"  Fuck you, dude.  Seriously?!

I am really not looking forward to starting to date again.

He Said Yes

Three and a half weeks ago Dakota Guy said yes to my question.  He said he ultimately wants to settle down and have a family and that he would like for me to visit to see if there's anything between us.  I told him I needed it to be in the next month or two and got all excited to book a flight.

Two and a half weeks ago I asked if he'd checked his work schedule for the best time to visit.  He said he hadn't yet.  I'm the kind of person that when I decide to do something, I'm full speed ahead to get some plans made.  That being said, I freaked out that maybe he wasn't as interested in all this as I am.  I voiced my concerns, and he said that he's really having a tough time with some personal problems (which we had talked about the week before, and I totally understand) and asked me to give him some time.  Which I said I would do.

A week and a half ago I gently brought it up again, and he asked me to please continue being patient with him.  I told him mid-May was probably the latest I could do (vacation timing wise with work), and he said May would be better than April.  So, in theory, next month sometime I'll be flying out to see him.

With any other guy, I'm pretty sure I'd be thinking he was leading me on or blowing me off, or whatever.  But with him... it's different.  I've known him for so long, and we've been talking pretty much every day for almost a year now.  It's weird to feel so close to this guy I haven't actually seen in person in probably twelve years.

I really hope this trip happens.

Overdue

... on quite a few things.  Firstly, here.  Almost a month again.  Geez.

On planning for retirement.  I adulted and started an IRA this morning.  I wanted to and should have set one up years ago, but could never really afford it.  I still can't, but a little something put towards it occasionally is better than nothing.  Yay.  I also attempted to adult again this week and applied for a debt consolidation loan.  Denied.  Can't win 'em all.

Not sure if I'm early, overdue or right on time for this next one.  I asked Dakota Guy again if he'd be interested in seeing if we could be an us.  That was Monday.  He's way overdue on answering.  I texted him the question, and he replied promptly asking if we could have a phone conversation about it soon.  Apparently our definitions of "soon" are slightly different.  We did finally agree to talk this weekend, but there are only about nine hours of that left.  He better get on the ball.  He kind of implied he wouldn't be saying no, but why the hold up?

Overdue on totally letting go of the ex-boyfriend.  He asked me out to dinner again last weekend, and I agreed to go hoping we could be actual friends.  The conversation was great and it was like old times.  Until the trip home.  I asked if we could go back to his place so I could see our old dog.  No.  He's seeing someone who is apparently living with him and he didn't tell her he was out with me.  He didn't learn a damn thing from our split even though he knew how much he hurt me.  I don't believe I'll be having any more dinners with him.

Finally got my oldest kitty to the vet for another dental cleaning.  It all went well, and no extractions were needed.  He came home smelling differently, and ever since my youngest cat has wanted nothing to do with him.  He goes about his business, and she'll hiss and growl at him.  Luckily she doesn't act on it, and he doesn't really pay her any mind.  It's so peculiar though.  It's been three days, and I wonder how much longer this will last.

Other updates...
- Roommate is in.  I rarely see him.
- Back and leg are still feeling decent.  Pretty excited about it.
- The diet is still going well.  Slowly but steadily losing more weight.

That's about it for now.  I'm sure there will be more soon if/when Dakota Guy answers me.  Whichever way it goes I'm sure I'll want to overthink it here.  Because that's what I do.

It's Valentine's Day...

...so I'm home cuddling with my critters.  Not a terrible way to spend the day.  So much love coming from them!

I'm sick.  I've just got a cold, but it's freezing outside, and I don't want to do anything anyway.  I jinxed myself into it too.  Last weekend I was thinking how I'd made it this far into winter without getting sick and was all proud of myself.  So much for that.  I did have to miss going to see my parents yesterday though.  My stepdad's had pneumonia for a few weeks now, and we couldn't risk him getting any sicker.  My mom warned me again that this might do him in.  Which I knew.  As soon as he got sick again I knew.

My birthday was a couple of days ago.  Thirty-three.  Wow.  The girls at work went out of their way to make it special for me... decorations, gifts, cake.  It was really sweet.  I've been dieting and decided to treat myself to pizza and beer that night, which was fucking fantastic.  I'd started feeling sick that day and probably shouldn't have eaten all the junk, but it was delicious.

Got my final back injection last week.  It hurt pretty badly once again, but I've been feeling good since then.  They said this one should last longer, and I hope it does.  I'm going to stop pursuing treatment after this.  I'm tired of it and putting myself through the painful ordeal.  I'm just gonna deal with the pain from the scar tissue until it hopefully breaks up, or whatever it should do.

A new roommate is moving in in a couple of weeks.  A guy who will be staying about three months.  Hopefully we'll get along and everything will go smoothly while he's here.

I've been eye flirting with a very handsome fella at the gym.  We're there at the same time very frequently, and I swear I'd catch him looking at me.  So I started looking back.  We'd make brief eye contact occasionally, then one of us would look away.  About a week and a half ago he was walking across the room, and I caught his eye and smiled, and he smiled back.  I thought for sure he'd come talk to me, but nope.  The next time I saw him there I noticed him looking at me more, so I'd glance his way more also.  We locked eyes at one point, but it felt really awkward.  So I have no clue, as usual.  I haven't been since early last week because of the injection and now sickness, so I guess we'll see what happens next week.

Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Woah!

I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.