Not Pregnant

I went in for a blood test yesterday, and the results came back negative.  Less than one mIU/ml, so really negative.  I'm now almost three weeks late for AF with her nowhere in sight.  Still having weird cramping and daily headaches, which are really annoying.  The nurse talked about hormones changing as you get older (just what I needed to hear right then) and said if AF doesn't show by Monday to call and a make an appointment to see the doctor.  Fucking awesome.

I called the boyfriend to tell him, and he was totally there for me.  He sounded bummed but was so strong and supportive.  He really has been amazing through all of this.  We just had the best long weekend together.  We went out of town for a few days and celebrated my birthday and Valentine's Day at his family's beach condo.  We had such a relaxing time and a wonderful fancy dinner.  I didn't drink at all, but you can bet I will be this weekend.

I'm sad.  I'm disappointed.  I'm scared the endo is back.

Waiting Game

Here I am, twelve days late, still no sign of AF, still getting negative pregnancy tests.  WTF?!  Never in my life have I missed a period or had a cycle longer than 35 days (and that's when I was much younger).  I'm currently on day 42.  I just don't get it.

I told the boyfriend about it at the end of last week.  He was totally shocked and didn't know what to say.  Other than a few general how and when type things, we really didn't discuss it much further that evening.  The next night after he'd had time alone to process, we talked for a little while, and he said he actually wanted me to be pregnant!

Which made me totally fucking melt.

We talked about how I'd been feeling and how I'd been testing, along with other little things I can't seem to recall now.  But we didn't talk about the future or what we would do if we are pregnant.  And that's okay.  We need to find out first.

Which is what has been driving me crazy.  I keep reading stories online about women who didn't get their BFPs until waaay past when AF was due, and that's what I keep clinging to.  Apparently for some people pregnancy tests don't always work right away or at all.  Sometimes it takes much longer than you'd expect for the hCG to be detected by OTC tests.  I've tried three different brands of tests so far.  I started with a grocery store generic, then First Response, and finally ordered a 25-pack of Wondfos because the others are way too expensive.  I'm wanting to test every morning now, so I'm glad I got them.

Day after tomorrow I'll be two weeks late, in theory making me six weeks pregnant.  If I am.  I've been having weird cramping since last week.  It doesn't feel like normal AF cramps, which I've taken as a good thing and have been hoping has just been the uterus starting to stretch or whatever it does.  Then what I call ovary pain, localized on each side, started up and has gotten more intense with each passing day.  It's been mostly on the left side, which made me nervous about an ectopic, but today it's gotten sharper on the right side.  Then I started reading about pregnancy with endometriosis and how that pain could be from the scar tissue stretching or something.  I just don't know.  Oh, Dr. Google.

I've also had bouts of being not quite nauseous, but just a little queasy.  Almost every day, and I'm never like that usually.  I've also had a headache at some point every single day which is annoying.

Of course I'm thinking of other things it could be also.  The scariest is that the endo is back with a vengeance.  It really does frighten me to think of that.  The boyfriend is taking me out of town for a long birthday weekend, and I'm taking vacation from work next week.  If still nothing either way by Monday or Tuesday, I'm going to see if I can get in with my doctor for a blood test or ultrasound maybe.  I'm fully expecting them to dismiss it all and tell me that it's probably nothing.  But I know it's not.  I know my body and if I'm not pregnant, then this pain and being so late means something else.  It's not normal for me.

Either way, the boyfriend has been so wonderful and supportive.  I was voicing concerns about the endo last night and started crying.  He was so sweet and said we're going to get it figured out.  The way he said that "we" made me so happy.  The concern in his voice made me feel so safe and protected and like he would stay by my side no matter the outcome of all of this.  That feeling is incredible.

Could it be?

I might be pregnant.  Probably not, but... maybe.  I'm late.  Only about four days, but I'm never late.  Every now and again I'll have a long cycle, 32 or so days, but not recently.  I've been Miss 28 on the dot lately.  I'm currently on day 34 with none of my typical PMS symptoms or tells that AF is on the way.  Nothing.  I tested the day AF was due and again two days later... both negative.  It's probably psychosomatic, but I swear my sense of smell is better lately and I was nauseous a few times over the past couple of days.  Along with a few other symptoms which could really go either way.

Logically, I know I'm probably not.  I know my body and when I ovulate.  I learned so much when when I was TTC all those years ago (OMG... 6 years now!?!) and it's stuck with me, always in the back of my mind.  Unless I actually ovulated at an abnormal time, we have been very careful.

I also started a mostly Whole30 diet again about two weeks ago.  That could very possibly be interfering.  I've only lost a couple of pounds though, so nothing drastic.  But still, the change could have done something.  Although the last time I started it and was incredibly strict, it didn't affect me at all.

My first reaction when AF was late was that no, this is not the time.  We've only been dating about four and a half months, and I want to do this in the traditional order... love, marriage, baby.  I know life doesn't work that way sometimes.  Fuck knows it didn't in the past.  I'm now less than two weeks from turning 34 and have endometriosis.  The time is right fucking now.  For me anyway.

He might not agree.  He's stressed about life in general and an upcoming job and possibly location change.  Along with some other personal things happening tomorrow.  I haven't said anything to him, not wanting to add any more stress for him if it turns out I'm actually not knocked up.  I was going to test again today or tomorrow, but I'm thinking probably Friday... after his stuff is over, so that if I find out I am I won't be keeping it from him for a couple of days.  I just want him to get through tomorrow.

I do love him so very much and have been hoping we were headed in this direction, so in my mind it's not a bad thing.  Not the best timing at all, but not bad.  Seeing how he interacts with his nieces and nephews and how he talks about them, I know he'd be a great father.  Before I told him about my previous TTC efforts and how I track my cycles, he mentioned we should be more careful since I'm not on any birth control.  But he also added that it wouldn't be the worst thing if we did get pregnant.  So there's that.

Part of me also wants this because it would have just happened.  No planning, no tracking, no anxious 2WW every month.  Is that selfish?  I know it sounds bad, but that part of it would be nice.  I did that for a year, and it took a toll.  I would do it all over again in a heartbeat if it ended with a baby, but it would be hard.

I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Winter Update

It's been over two months... damn!  I really don't know why I don't write as much lately.  Maybe because when I'm happy I don't feel the need to get things out here?  And I have been very happy.  Most of it is due to the fella... actually the same one from the last post!

We've been going strong for about three and a half months now, and I'm totally in love.  I told him that a couple of weeks ago, and he said he felt the same.  He actually said that before he met me he'd been planning to move away at the beginning of the year.  He's not happy with his job or his current location and still does want to move somewhere at some point.  I don't know why I only seem to find guys who want to move away.  But I'm kind of at a point where I might want to also.  Maybe.  I go back and forth.  I did it before, and it didn't work out so well.  But I am older now and would hopefully be able to do it right this time.  I do want to settle down and have kids, but I would like to start that here because my support system, my family and friends, are here.  Maybe if we get that far he would be open to moving in a few years.  I may be thinking too far ahead right now... it's only been three months.  But that's what I do.

Work has also been a bit more stressful lately.  The work itself hasn't changed other than it being busier for the holidays.  My manager's life has changed though.  She's now back in the single life and trying to party it up with the younger employees during off time.  Which is nice for her because she never really had that opportunity when she was younger.  But they're all even more buddy-buddy now at work, and I feel like it's social hour all the time.  When I ask them to do something, it seems like they resent me for it.  But when she does, it's all good because she's their pal now.  I need to just get over the high-school drama feel, but it's hard when you spend a majority of your time with these people.  And I'm now the oldest person there, so that doesn't help.

I'm going to be 34 in less than two months.  And I'm childless.  I started trying to get pregnant before any of my four "sisters", and now they're about to have seven children between them.  It's still fucking hard to face that.  Christmas was difficult.  Two of them (one with a big ol' pregnant belly again) with their spouses and three children gathered at their parent's house.  All of them paired off and then me, alone because my fella was out of town with his family.  Watching them all so happy with the kids running around and opening presents was so much harder than I had anticipated.  I don't know why, because it is every single time we all congregate.  But I thought maybe because I am now in a relationship with a hopefully promising future I would feel different.  Nope.  That ache of wanting a child of my own still overpowers everything.  The jealousy of my best friends having that.  Maybe one day I'll get to experience it, and hopefully that feeling will go away.  I just want a modern-day happily ever after... is that too much to ask for?

I said I was happy at the beginning of this, but maybe I'm not as much as I thought.  I ended up writing more glumly than I imagined I would.  Maybe it's just the stress of the holidays putting a temporary damper on things.  I've also been PMS'ing pretty hard this month and have been overly emotional the past week.

But I am incredibly happy with my fella and am so very thankful that we met.  Most of my people have now met him and they all like him.  I've met his family and some friends.  His parents like me, which is always a good thing.  He is my bright spot.  I hope we continue to move forward as happy together as we are now.

Staycation Ramblings

The hurricane did a little damage.  The wind knocked some large tree limbs down, one of which took out a section of fence in my back yard.  Somehow it went down in one piece without any of the wood actually breaking, and it didn't take much for wonderful boyfriend and me to prop it up and nail it back in place.  I borrowed my parents tiny electric chainsaw to chop up the massive limbs, and some kind neighbors helped me drag it all out to the road.  It caused a lot of terrible flooding all over the region, but I was lucky not to have been affected.

The boy and I are still doing very well.  We see each other all the time and still get along wonderfully.  He just got back from a trip across the state to visit family.  I won't lie, I got a little nervous.  When the last boyfriend cheated on me, it was during a trip he took home, and that still affects me apparently.  But I trust him and really don't see him as the cheating type.  He's also been cheated on and knows how it feels, so hopefully he wouldn't ever.  I hate that I still worry about that.

I'm currently on vacation from work, and it's mostly a staycation.  The majority of the week I'm planning on just chilling at home and around town.  I'm doing laundry now (exciting) and will see the boy tonight.  Later this week and weekend he and I are going to a beach house some of his friends are gathering at.  He said there would be lots of just hanging out, drinking and smoking, so it should be relaxing.  If it gets too much for me, I'll be prepared with wine, a book, and a hoodie to chill on the beach.

I want the boy to meet my people.  I want to introduce him to my parents and show him off to friends, but I worry it's too soon.  I really want to make sure he's going to stick around for awhile before I do.  I'm very much hoping to have him to spend the fall/winter and holidays with.  They're so much more magical when you've got a special someone to share them with.

I Am Enough

I currently write as Hurricane Matthew passes through.  A little wind and a lot of rain so far.  Many places in town are flooding.  I'm hunkered down in the house until tomorrow, hoping no tree limbs crash through the fence again.  It's actually the first totally down day I've had in quite awhile.  I've been a busy bee lately because....

I met a guy.

What a broken record I am on here.

Anyway, this guy is incredible.  We started dating about three weeks ago, and the magic is totally there.  And luckily, the feeling seems to be mutual for him.  Honestly, the feelings are very similar to how I felt about my ex-husband when we started dating, and I'm trying to take that as a good sign.  I'm still very much in the infatuation stage and am enjoying every single minute of it.

I had forgotten what this feels like... the beginning of something with potential to actually develop into a significant relationship.  To truly like and care about someone and to think about him all of the time.  The giddiness and the butterflies.  To feel such an urgency for the day to pass quickly so you can see him that evening.  To see him putting forth just as much effort to see you whenever he can.  For it to feel natural and unforced, easy and uncomplicated.

And I won't lie... it's awesome to get this sexually worked up over someone again.  The sex is amazing.  He's the first partner I've had to make me feel really good from penetration alone.  In the past it's felt good, but not like this!  And sex with him doesn't hurt.  Like, at all.  He is the first man I've been with where it hasn't hurt even a little.  And it's not like he's lacking in the size department at all!  I haven't had much sex since my endometriosis excision surgery, so I don't know if it's from that or what.  I haven't pursued any physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction.  Maybe it just comes with age?  I don't know, but I'm choosing to believe it's because we fit together just right.  ;)

And even though I trust him entirely, my past lingers in the back of my mind telling me to be cautious.  Because I have grown attached to him so quickly, I'm nervous about losing him.  I worry that I'm not enough or that someone else will catch his eye.  I know that him leaving wouldn't be the end of the world and I would move on, but this seems like it could turn into what I've been waiting for, and the thought of losing that again is heartbreaking.  

But I am choosing to pursue this with a wide open heart and am being completely myself with him, hoping that it will bring me to where I've always wanted.  Knowing that ultimately it will be whatever it turns out to be, and that I truly am enough either way.

On Guard

Two months since I've written.  So hard to believe, but... I believe it.  Life was hard for a little while, and I brought it on myself.  As so many stories start out lately... I met this guy.

He was not Mr. Right, but I wanted to give it time to see if he could be because at first (of course) he seemed like almost everything I've been looking for.  During the month we were together we hung out all the time and even took a weekend trip together.  He fell really hard pretty quickly, and I... didn't.  The magic just wasn't there.

Then because of some events from his past that came up and some ways he began to act towards me, I started to wonder if he was legitimately fully sane and became scared about breaking things off.  I knew I needed to before he fell further (and I really should have a lot earlier), but I was kind of frightened of what he might do.  I did it in a very public place for safety.  Drama ensued for two days after, and now, three weeks later, I'm still on guard.

He tried to scare me into getting back together with him.  It was only over texts, but I was nervous.  Enough to call the police.  I've never encountered anyone who would do something like that before, and I was scared for a while.  I bought pepper spray for the first time in my life.  I turned the surveillance system in my house back on.  I kept looking in the rear view mirror to see if anyone was following me as I drove.  Paranoid much?

I still am on guard, but I keep telling myself he wouldn't do anything now.  Because really all he did was text me.  But I know he's going to be working in town sometime soon (he lives about an hour away), and I keep wondering.  You just never know if someone truly does have some sort of mental illness, and something in me just can't let it go yet. 

Reading back over this, it seems so stupid.  But I've just never felt like this before and I hate it.  I'm so ready to move on and feel fully safe again.  I've debated writing about this for awhile now because I'm weird like that.  (What if he somehow finds my totally anonymous blog?  What if he found it on my computer the two minutes he was alone in my room?  And many more...)  But I'm hoping it'll help me get over it as writing about my troubles oftentimes seems to do.

Also I've become lactose intolerant in the past few weeks.  That really fucking sucks too.

The End

He did respond not long after with basically a "Sorry, life's been crazy" message... yeah.  So we chatted back and forth for a little while about random things.  Neither of us asked to see the other.  I wanted to ask if he was still interested, but chickened out that night.

Yesterday went by with no message.  Today during my lunch break I grew some balls and sent a very straightforward message asking if he still wanted to go out, and giving him an out by saying I understood if he didn't.  Hours passed.  No reply until just a few minutes ago.

More of the "Life's been crazy" with an added "I don't know what I want right now."  Exactly what I would say if someone I didn't really like called me out on it.

So there's that.

Mr. Almost Perfect, Part 2

It's possible I'm being ghosted, and it's also possible that he thinks I'm ghosting him.  But I think it's the former.  Last Saturday afternoon I texted him asking if he wanted to hang out that night or Sunday.  He was busy that day, and said maybe Sunday.  Sunday came and he was really not feeling well.  Which I believed because he was kinda sick when we first met the week before.  No worries.

I had suggested an awesome event we were both interested in that was happening Tuesday evening, and he said he'd know better on Monday.  Monday came and he said he was still sick and had a doctor appointment Tuesday afternoon, so he'd let me know.  Tuesday morning the rain changed the details of the awesome event so it wouldn't be as awesome anymore.  I texted him saying that since it had changed and because he was sick, we should call the evening a bust and plan on something later in the week or over the weekend.  He said that sounded good, and I told him I hoped the doctor could help him.

And that was it.  No communication from either side since then.  I haven't reached out because I wanted him to want to pursue me, if he was truly interested.  Because that's what you do if you really like someone, right?  Since he didn't, I pretty much figured he wasn't into me anymore and I decided not to text him anymore.  I went back to my dating apps, but they just feel wrong.  And I've had this terrible feeling inside my stomach... is this fucking heartache over this guy?  We went out twice!  Why the fuck am I feeling like this?!

Because I felt an instant connection with him and haven't had that for many, many years.  Because I can still picture the intensity in his eyes on our first date.  Because he assured me he was truly a nice guy.  And all of that got my hopes up.

So I texted him just now.  Basically a "Hey, how are you doing?" message to test the waters.  In all honesty though, I'm the one who cancelled our latest plans, and part of me wonders if maybe he's been thinking I've been ghosting him.  Who knows.  I guess we'll see if he responds.  If not though, I'll know I can move on with a clear conscience and try to find my closure.