Le Sigh

I'm sitting at home on my day off having a cup of coffee right now.  But I should have just left a hotel in West Virginia and be heading back home.  I was supposed to get my old dog back yesterday.  The one it broke my heart to leave behind when the ex-husband and I split up.  Last week he decided he couldn't give her the kind of life she deserved anymore and had asked me to take her.  It was supposed to be a done deal, and I was so excited.  I arranged for time off of work and started making plans to meet him halfway.  Then he changed his mind.  Again.  I should have known better.  I think I cried for an hour straight when he told me.  Once again I had allowed myself to get my hopes up and once again I was devastated.  I'm not getting my little girl back.  :'(  He better step up and take better care of her.

I'm angry.  At so many things right now, and I don't know how to start getting them all out here.  And hurt.  By so many people and things.  I've been trying to work through all my feelings, but I think I'm just pushing them down.  Telling myself I've forgiven and moved on, when I've really just been keeping things amicable and trying to forget.

I finally got the anti-depressants yesterday and I don't even know what I hope they'll accomplish anymore.  I think I've felt crappy for so long now that I'd accepted it as the status quo of my life.  I've taken them before and I honestly don't remember how I felt when on them.  I remember running hot, being tired a lot and feeling a brain fog at times, but I don't remember how I felt emotionally.  Hopefully they'll do something positive.