Thursday, April 27, 2017


I feel overwhelmed.  My mind is spinning, going from one trouble to the next in a constant loop.  Freakin AF just arrived as well, so PMS has helped to fuel the fire.

First thing, my stepdad is not doing well.  His doctor said he might have around six months or so left with us, and he seems to be going downhill quickly.  We've known it was coming, but it's still absolutely heartbreaking.  My mom has decided to retire early so she can spend this time with him.  She actually has stayed home this week.  Apparently he had such a hard time this past weekend that they thought he might be having a stroke.  It's all so scary, and I can't even imagine what he's been feeling.  I know he's been in so much pain and is miserable.

Much less serious, but still troubles my mind is my ex-roommate.  He's been gone for about a month, but just when I think I'm done communicating with him, he'll text me about something.  Yesterday he rudely asked where his security deposit was.  I actually sent it to him two weeks ago, but who knows why he didn't see that.  I don't know why, but whenever I see his name on my phone I run cold and start shaking involuntarily.  He never did anything to my physically, but I guess it affected me mentally more than I thought.  And I should have kept a lot more of his security deposit than I did because his room was nasty.  The walls were stained and required painting, there was mold, and the carpet cleaner I rented brought up a massive ink stain that has been impossible to get out.  And there's a funky smell that's driving me crazy.  Ugh.

I learned yesterday that my ex-boyfriend now has a daughter.  The ex who left me in part because he decided he didn't want kids.  Apparently it was an accident from a fling that must have happened the second he was out of my house because the kid is well over a year old now.  Happy for him though if he's happy.

My now boyfriend who I love so very much is moving in with me this weekend.  I had been so excited about it, but now it feels like a cloud is hanging over us, and I'm a little worried.  It seems he's been going through a life crisis of sorts.  He's losing his job in a few months and has no idea what he wants to do.  He doesn't really want to move to my town (although he says he is happy for us to be moving in together) and he really doesn't want to stay in this area in general.

Last weekend we had a talk in which he said he hasn't felt close to me lately.  And he's scared of hurting me.  From day one I've been very open about the fact that I want kids and that I need to sooner rather than later.  He's known that and seemed to want the same.  Now he's saying that he doesn't want kids soon and is scared that he'll be wasting my time.

What the actual fuck.

I'm really hoping that he's just freaking about the big changes happening right now and will feel better once his life settles some.  I've decided that I'm not ready to give up on him.  I love him.  I can see us being forever.  As hard as it has been to wait this long, he's worth waiting a little while longer.

I'm hoping it's just my PMS affecting me, but for some reason since the talk I feel all weird when I'm around him.  Now I don't feel close to him.  I don't feel that all-encompassing love.  I mean, I do, but I keep holding back around him now.  I'm guessing I'm just scared that I will give him the time, but he'll decide to bail.

Because that's what has always happened.  And I'm terrified to go through it again and find myself that much older again and potentially with even less chance of getting pregnant.  But I've made my decision to give him time and now all I can do is hope for the best.

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