I'm sad right now and scared. Someone I've known a very long time is in medical danger. She's a girl who lived down the street when I was growing up and someone I used to babysit. We share the same birthday, but a few years apart, and always give each other a FB shout out on that day. We've never really been close, but she was best friends with one of my "sisters" for a long time. We've seen each other through the years at various social functions. At the most recent encounter we shared a reception table after a wedding where we talked a little and got to know her husband.
She's been pregnant and wasn't due until January. I learned this morning that she's had the baby, which weighs one pound, and she herself has had a massive stroke. And that's all I know.
Her mom is asking for people who know her to send out good thoughts for her, and I guess this is one way for me to do that. If you could spare a moment for one too, I would be very appreciative.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
Saturday, October 25, 2014
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
No more walking dead...
I feel much better now. It was definitely the pain medication that was making me feel like crap, so I just stopped taking it this weekend. No withdrawals like after the last surgery, so yay! I feel so much better and not as much like a zombie anymore. My appetite is back and I have a little more energy. Emotionally I feel a lot better now also. I still tear up occasionally, but not at all like I had been.
I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my local OBGYN today, but I still haven't received the operation packet yet. Dee Dee from Dr. Sinervo's office called this morning to check in on me and answered some questions. I love her. I really wish I could use them as my regular OBGYN.
I went to PT for my back yesterday because it has been hurting again. I couldn't do a whole lot, but she helped with some stretching. She is very interested to see how things will go as I continue healing since my last flare-ups have been matched up with my cycle starting. I'm interested to see that as well. She is pretty amazing too. She had everyone there sign a "get well soon" type card for me, which was not expected at all. And she's gonna squeeze me in next week for an unofficial non-appoitment on one of the machines there just to keep me loose and flexible while I'm healing.
I stopped by my workplace on the way back from PT to pick up my paycheck and to say hello. I'm very bummed that I've had to use all of my vacation and personal days on these surgeries, but I feel lucky to even be able to. It's also nice that there are three paydays this month. :) Everyone was happy to see me and said they were looking forward to my return, which looks like will begin with some half days starting a week from today. My energy level is better than before, but I still lose steam very, very quickly. I just don't see full days happening just yet. And again, I feel lucky that my workplace is flexible in that respect and will allow me to return when I feel ready.
I made a voice recording on my phone at the post-op appointment back in Atlanta which I listened to today. I really was pretty out of it for that. It was good to be able to go back to hear again and remember some things that were said.
Also while listening, I realized that my voice really sounds like my mother's sometimes, which is not a bad thing at all. She is so kind and friendly towards everyone she meets. She was amazing during our trip, and I grew to appreciate her so much more, not that I didn't already. She has always been there for me no matter what, and I hope that I can be half the incredible mother she has been for me.
She received an email from my aunt the other day saying that my cousin wanted Dr. Sinervo's information. She finally confirmed that my cousin has endo and has been suffering for years. This is the cousin that was never able to conceive. I hope that she's able to see him and find some relief. I love that through this albeit hard endo journey, I've learned so much and can hopefully help other people with information or even from just referring them to Dr. Sinervo.
I guess that's enough for now. Everyone have a good rest of your day.
I was supposed to have a follow-up appointment with my local OBGYN today, but I still haven't received the operation packet yet. Dee Dee from Dr. Sinervo's office called this morning to check in on me and answered some questions. I love her. I really wish I could use them as my regular OBGYN.
I went to PT for my back yesterday because it has been hurting again. I couldn't do a whole lot, but she helped with some stretching. She is very interested to see how things will go as I continue healing since my last flare-ups have been matched up with my cycle starting. I'm interested to see that as well. She is pretty amazing too. She had everyone there sign a "get well soon" type card for me, which was not expected at all. And she's gonna squeeze me in next week for an unofficial non-appoitment on one of the machines there just to keep me loose and flexible while I'm healing.
I stopped by my workplace on the way back from PT to pick up my paycheck and to say hello. I'm very bummed that I've had to use all of my vacation and personal days on these surgeries, but I feel lucky to even be able to. It's also nice that there are three paydays this month. :) Everyone was happy to see me and said they were looking forward to my return, which looks like will begin with some half days starting a week from today. My energy level is better than before, but I still lose steam very, very quickly. I just don't see full days happening just yet. And again, I feel lucky that my workplace is flexible in that respect and will allow me to return when I feel ready.
I made a voice recording on my phone at the post-op appointment back in Atlanta which I listened to today. I really was pretty out of it for that. It was good to be able to go back to hear again and remember some things that were said.
Also while listening, I realized that my voice really sounds like my mother's sometimes, which is not a bad thing at all. She is so kind and friendly towards everyone she meets. She was amazing during our trip, and I grew to appreciate her so much more, not that I didn't already. She has always been there for me no matter what, and I hope that I can be half the incredible mother she has been for me.
She received an email from my aunt the other day saying that my cousin wanted Dr. Sinervo's information. She finally confirmed that my cousin has endo and has been suffering for years. This is the cousin that was never able to conceive. I hope that she's able to see him and find some relief. I love that through this albeit hard endo journey, I've learned so much and can hopefully help other people with information or even from just referring them to Dr. Sinervo.
I guess that's enough for now. Everyone have a good rest of your day.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Post-Op Review
I'm home. The rides down and back were long. Pre-op was a big ol' kerfuffle. Surgery itself went well. Recovery has been a bitch. And now I'm home. Resting. And doing laundry.
It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us. Are you kidding me? We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital. We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away. Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.
The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon. Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate. When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us. Apparently no one informed us of some other things either. I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.
When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months. Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is. He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs. So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there". He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know. Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam. Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day. In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok. I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.
That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep. Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating. I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up. I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.
The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am. Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area. After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me. We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day. After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep. What an incredible man.
Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three. I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room. My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found. Here's the rundown:
- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch! He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine. Tubes looked fine.
Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above. He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II. He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!! That's so exciting! He also said that the endo shouldn't come back. The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.
But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery! It's been rough. The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap. And I can't stop freakin crying! I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.
I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with. He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions. The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up. Geez. Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting. I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there. This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting. I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.
After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road. We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home. For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though. Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night. I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet. But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything. She's been absolutely incredible through all of this. So supportive and there for whatever I needed.
So now I'm home. It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why. The overcast sky outside matches my mood. I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility. My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better. So why am I so freakin sad?? Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me. They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.
But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful. For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him. For finally being able to go through with this surgery. For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years. I am truly lucky.
It started with the hotel calling while we were driving down there to inform us that they didn't have a room for us. Are you kidding me? We chose that hotel because it was less than two miles from the doctor's office and the hospital. We ended up with a free night but at a hotel about eight miles away. Now eight miles doesn't sound far, but in Atlanta traffic on 285 it meant driving at least half an hour to get anywhere... what should have only taken us five to ten minutes at our first choice.
The day before surgery we decided to go the hospital for their pre-op requirements in the morning since the appointment with the surgeon wasn't until the afternoon. Northside is a bigger hospital than I've ever encountered and was interesting to navigate. When we finally arrived at where we needed to be, they informed us we were supposed to see them after the pre-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office, which no one had told us. Apparently no one informed us of some other things either. I got all flustered, but everything worked out in the end, and luckily we didn't have to go back later.
When his appointment rolled around, I met everyone in the office I had been talking to and emailing with for the past few months. Dr. Sinervo really is as amazing as everyone says he is. He's warm and friendly and gives really strong hugs. So does Dee Dee. We spoke with Dr. Sinervo, then he got the privilege of being the first male doctor to ever go "down there". He did a pelvic exam and a vaginal ultrasound and told me I had pelvic floor dysfunction and a retroverted uterus, which I didn't know. Dee Dee held my hand and wiped my tears during the painful exam. Based on everything, he decided to do a few more things while he'd be in there the next day. In addition to excision, partial vaginectomy, and possible bowel resection, he wanted to do a cystoscopy to look in the bladder, a hysteroscopy to look in the uterus, and to flush my tubes (can't remember the official term) to make sure they were ok. I left his office that day knowing I had chosen the right doctor.
That entire day I had been on a clear liquid diet, and that afternoon I started the dreaded bowel prep. Actually, neither was as bad as I had been anticipating. I wasn't quite as hungry as I had been expecting, and the bowel prep was a ton of liquid that really filled me up. I had eaten light the couple of days before that also, so that evening wasn't as gruesome as I'd been picturing.
The next day we arrived at the hospital a little before 5:30am. Admissions was quick and I was soon back in the pre-op area. After I was all dressed down and hooked up, they let my mother come back to pass the time with me. We met the anesthesiologist, who was amazing, and many others on my team for that day. After they wheeled me into the operating room, Dr. Sinervo held my hand and comforted me as I drifted off to sleep. What an incredible man.
Surgery lasted about two hours, and I was in recovery for about three. I had kind of a rough time in there and was relieved when I was finally allowed to go into my private room. My mom came in a little later, and I immediately asked her what the doctor said he found. Here's the rundown:
- My uterus was retroverted because it was attached to my bowel... ouch! He unattached it, put it back in its proper place and excised the endo on them both.
- The endo on the bowel and rectum was superficial, so he didn't have to go into the muscle layer or do a resection.
- My ovaries were also scarred down in that area, and he was able to free them up.
- There was a nodule of endo going through the vaginal wall, so he had to cut out part of the vagina and stitch it up.
- Endo was excised on the uterosacral ligaments and part of the abdominal wall.
- Removed the appendix because it was stiff with possible endo.
- Inside of uterus and bladder looked fine. Tubes looked fine.
Dr. Sinervo came to visit the next day and went over all of the above. He also said the endo was Stage IV due to "complete obliteration of the cul-de-sac," but from a fertility standpoint it was more like a Stage II. He added that after this surgery, my chances for natural conception went up from 60% to about 80-85%!! That's so exciting! He also said that the endo shouldn't come back. The fact that I should be able to live my life from now on without that pain brings an amazing feeling.
But the next three periods should be bad, they said, and it figures that I started two days after surgery! It's been rough. The pain meds they sent me home with were too strong for me, and I've felt like absolute crap. And I can't stop freakin crying! I've heard that's normal after this kind of surgery, but come on.
I had a post-op appointment at Dr. Sinervo's office yesterday morning, but it was with a doctor I was unfamiliar with. He introduced himself and said he worked with Dr. Sinervo, then went over the pictures from surgery and some follow up care instructions. The fact that it wasn't Dr. Sinervo upset me, and I was really out of it from the pain meds, so of course I started tearing up. Geez. Dee Dee held my hand again and was so comforting. I had some questions but could barely get the words out right, but luckily my wonderful mother helped me there. This doctor did the best he could and tried to be comforting. I did end up seeing Dr. Sinervo before I left, and he gave me another wonderful hug.
After the appointment, we headed back to the hotel and decided to get on the road. We were going to drive about halfway and stop for the night, but we ended up trucking it all the way home. For some reason I felt like I wasn't ready to be home yet though. Emotionally I really wanted to stay at a hotel one more night. I didn't feel ready to face the real world just yet. But I could tell that my mom was anxious to get home, so I didn't say anything. She's been absolutely incredible through all of this. So supportive and there for whatever I needed.
So now I'm home. It feels kinda weird, and I don't know why. The overcast sky outside matches my mood. I should be happy... I just had the surgery that I've been wanting to have for years and got really good news about my fertility. My insides are going to be as normal as possible, and I'm going to feel better. So why am I so freakin sad?? Even though I know it's normal to feel like this right now, it's really bothering me. They say after a little time I'll feel like normal again, so that's what I'll plan for.
But to end this on a good note, I feel so very thankful. For finding an amazing doctor and sticking to my guns about seeing him. For finally being able to go through with this surgery. For all of the support I've received from family and friends all of these years. I am truly lucky.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
One Week
This time next week I will be in Atlanta about to meet the amazing Dr. Sinervo for the first time for my pre-op appointment. I'm so nervous and excited. I've got my list of questions for him prepared and am eager to hear what he'll have to say. I keep hearing he's a very kind individual, and I'm thankful that I'm able to see him. And be operated on by him because he's one of the best.
I got a call from the hospital in Atlanta yesterday for a pre-surgical assessment which took about 20 minutes. The nurse I talked to was super nice and took my history and told me where to go and when. Turns out I have to go into the hospital after meeting with Dr. Sinervo at his office for blood work and such. I had that a week before my last surgery and I don't know why I didn't even think about it for this one.
I've gotten almost all the necessary supplies for the procedures before and after surgery, and pretty much just need to stock up on food to take. It'll be interesting staying in a hotel with a mini-kitchen for a week. Gotta do laundry and pack this weekend, since I'm working Monday. I think I'm prepared. I hope so at least.
I got a call from the hospital in Atlanta yesterday for a pre-surgical assessment which took about 20 minutes. The nurse I talked to was super nice and took my history and told me where to go and when. Turns out I have to go into the hospital after meeting with Dr. Sinervo at his office for blood work and such. I had that a week before my last surgery and I don't know why I didn't even think about it for this one.
I've gotten almost all the necessary supplies for the procedures before and after surgery, and pretty much just need to stock up on food to take. It'll be interesting staying in a hotel with a mini-kitchen for a week. Gotta do laundry and pack this weekend, since I'm working Monday. I think I'm prepared. I hope so at least.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
It's been building up...
I need to write right now. I need to get out what I'm feeling and work through it. I really want to call someone and talk about it, but I don't know who. So I write to no one.
I'm tired. Of a lot. Of general things, of specific things. It's just exhausting. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn.
I feel like part of it is my fault. I feel like I'm bringing it all down on myself. But am I? It takes two. It takes a cause and a reaction. Am I the cause? Have I always been the cause? Why is the reaction always so hard to deal with? Why can't the reaction, just for once, be love and understanding?
Am I asking for too much? Why, when I ask for what I want, what I need, is it met with defensiveness?
Why is everything so hard lately? Why does everything take so much effort?
Am I happy? Is this really what I want?
Will I get any sleep tonight?
I'm tired. Of a lot. Of general things, of specific things. It's just exhausting. I don't know what to do. I don't know where to turn.
I feel like part of it is my fault. I feel like I'm bringing it all down on myself. But am I? It takes two. It takes a cause and a reaction. Am I the cause? Have I always been the cause? Why is the reaction always so hard to deal with? Why can't the reaction, just for once, be love and understanding?
Am I asking for too much? Why, when I ask for what I want, what I need, is it met with defensiveness?
Why is everything so hard lately? Why does everything take so much effort?
Am I happy? Is this really what I want?
Will I get any sleep tonight?
Wednesday, August 27, 2014
Flare-up #2
Last week, not one week after I'd "graduated" from physical therapy, my back started hurting crazy bad. With my first flare-up I knew I had overdone it and was suffering the consequences. This time I don't know what brought it on. The day it started was just a normal day off at home and I was doing things around the house. I'd been being mindful of everything I'd learned in PT and had been incorporating it all into routine life. That afternoon my back got stiff and by that night I was in tears just trying to walk. It was a different kind of pain; it was very central. Before my surgery when I was having the terrible sciatic pain, not once did my actual back hurt. But this time it felt like the weight and pressure from simply standing was too much for my lower spine.
I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so. She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured. Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up. I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.
I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it. My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought. I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.
Nope. He didn't seem concerned with any of it. He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month. I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two. I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back. He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."
I am so relieved! Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!
I went back to the PT office the next day terrified that I had re-ruptured the disc, but luckily my wonderful PT lady didn't think so. She said I would have been having the same sciatic pain had it re-ruptured. Instead, she thought I was having issues with the next disc up. I've seen her three times since then, and she thinks it's a good sign that I seem to be improving with each session, even though the progress has seemed much slower this time.
I had a follow-up appointment with my surgeon today and I was so nervous in the days before it. My PT lady advised me that he may want me to have another MRI, and I was not excited about that thought. I was thinking worse case scenario (of course) and was worried about what he would say and if that would interfere with the surgery for endo which is in just three short weeks now.
Nope. He didn't seem concerned with any of it. He said to keep doing PT and to come back in a month. I then told him about the upcoming surgery and said I probably wouldn't be available in a month, so he made it two. I also asked him about trying to get pregnant soon and how it could affect my back. He reassured me about all of it and said, "Go for it."
I am so relieved! Now I just have to focus on getting my back feeling better so that it'll be one less thing to be concerned about as the excision surgery gets closer!
Wednesday, August 20, 2014
Preparation
Four little weeks! Just under one month until my excision surgery!! I'm so stoked and absolutely terrified at the same time. I've been wanting this surgery for a very long time, and it's finally about to happen. Having been through my first surgery ever just a few short months ago, I feel like I know what to expect in regards to the process of it. I know the nervousness I'll be feeling when I get up before dawn to head to the hospital. I know what the pre-op area and process will be like. I know how getting the initial sedative and being wheeled to the operating room will go. I know what groggily waking up in post-op will be like. I know what spending 24 hours in a hospital bed will be like afterwards. It could be longer depending on what they find, but I really hope it'll only be one day this time too. (I don't know what to expect the day before with the bowel prep as I've never had to do anything like that before... eek!)
With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better. There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory. They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about. It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find. I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.
The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all. I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time. With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site. Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again. I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.
I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children. Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally. Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.
I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately. I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front. I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light. Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).
With the surgery for the ruptured disc the surgeon knew exactly where to go and what to fix, and I knew I would immediately feel better. There's a huge element of uncertainty for me with this next one though as it's partially exploratory. They'll puff me up and look all the way from the upper abdomen down, which is awesome but also just weird to think about. It'll be very thorough which I am so very thankful for, but who knows what they'll find. I have no idea what all of my organs will look like.
The plan is to entirely cut out whatever disease they find, roots and all. I'm hoping the pain that the endo has caused all these years will be eliminated, but I'm nervous about the pain from surgery and during the recuperation time. With my last one I felt better as soon as I woke up, having pain only at the incision site. Well, and from the breathing tube... really hoping that doesn't happen again. I'm nervous about the pain, but I know I can handle it.
I think I'm most nervous about the news I'll receive after surgery... whether or not he thinks there's a shot that I could have children. Whether or not my reproductive organs have been affected by the disease and if pregnancy could happen naturally. Whether or not the only dream I've had for my life will be able to become a reality.
I've been thinking about that aspect of it a lot lately. I think possibly my brain has been preparing me for worst-case scenario just in case the news is not good on that front. I've been exploring the possibilities of a child-free life and trying to put it in a positive light. Thinking of things I'd want to do if adoption turns out not being a possibility (which would be very likely, at least for quite a few years).
I do occasionally think about it being good news and starting to TTC after I've healed from surgery. I think about what it could be like to get pregnant and prepare for a little one. To bring a new life into the world with the man I love and help it as it learns, grows and becomes his or her own person. And as stupid as it sounds, I think about what it would feel like to not be so different and feel so ostracized from my friends. To no longer feel the jealousy I've felt all these years as I've watched every single one of them move on to and thrive in motherhood.
For the most part though I think I'd rather prepare for the worst and be happily surprised than count on the best and be devastated if it doesn't turn out that way. Maybe that will change as September 18th gets closer, but for now, even though it makes me sad, it feels like the best approach.
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Uphill... both ways... in the snow
Things have been so up and down these past couple of weeks, and I've been stressed the eff out.
Down: Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work. The business is going downhill quickly. A two week notice was given. My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up: I may be manager soon! That means more money!
Down: I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job! I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!
Down: The dogs have been fighting lately. Well, one dog. The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all. He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up: Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down: He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else. It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half. Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up: Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.
Up: My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend! Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach. Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others. We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down: It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up: Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down: It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have. My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo. (Phew... that was a long one.) Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate. Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up: Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down: ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up: ...at least I'll feel pretty. (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)
Down: Started painting the house and hurt my back again. Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up: Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether! Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down: Have no money to pay for the gym. Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.
Up: Surgery is in six weeks! Time is going by so quickly.
Down: No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay. I'm ready.
Okay, that pity party's over. I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now. My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily. With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.
Down: Everyone's pissed at someone about something at work. The business is going downhill quickly. A two week notice was given. My manager is looking for a new job and/or may get fired very soon.
Up: I may be manager soon! That means more money!
Down: I have no desire to be manager of that sinking ship and inherit all the stress that goes with the job! I never wanted a career, I just want to be a mom... waaah!
Down: The dogs have been fighting lately. Well, one dog. The dog the boyfriend and I got together has been attacking my dog for sometimes what appears as no real reason at all. He put a big hole in my dog's side which led to an appointment for him getting neutered.
Up: Luckily I work at a vet's office and got the patching up and the neutering at a highly discounted cost.
Down: He turned on my dog again, and now we think it's got to do with something else. It's been so frustrating because they were fine with each other for a year and a half. Now all of a sudden one's turned into an asshole.
Up: Free advice from the vet I work with, and we have some new things to try.
Up: My youngest "sister's" wedding is this weekend! Three-day weekend and a night of possible partying at the beach. Gonna see all my sisters and their significant others. We're all gonna get to hang and they'll get to know my boyfriend more.
Down: It's more money to spend that I just don't have, including buying a new dress because nothing I have is appropriate or even fits.
Up: Find a beautiful new dress online!
Down: It gets here and it doesn't fit, and the tiny online boutique I bought it from only does store credit, and I don't like anything else they have. My big fat stomach that has kept getting bigger since I can't fully work out yet because of my back and eating bad shit lately makes me look freakin big and preggo. (Phew... that was a long one.) Have to actually go to a store and try on dresses, but can only find one that is halfway appropriate. Go home and cry because I'm fat. :'(
Up: Decide to buy a waist cincher so I can wear the dress I originally bought, and...
Down: ...even though it'll be labored breathing for a few hours...
Up: ...at least I'll feel pretty. (Yes, I know how ridiculous that sounds and is.)
Down: Started painting the house and hurt my back again. Two extra weeks of physical therapy just to get it back to where it was halfway feeling better.
Up: Now it's better, and I may potentially only have one session left before I'm done with PT altogether! Can go back to the gym and lose some weight!
Down: Have no money to pay for the gym. Maybe I'll invest in some free weights and work out at home.
Up: Surgery is in six weeks! Time is going by so quickly.
Down: No real down for that, except maybe the cost, but that's okay. I'm ready.
Okay, that pity party's over. I think the ups and downs have felt so huge lately because the birth control and anti-depressant I've stopped taking are really making their way out of my system now. My hormones are doing their own thing again, and my emotions are back to being triggered very easily. With a combination from those, recovery from surgery and the nerves/stress of thinking about and preparing for the next upcoming surgery, I think my body's been through a lot these past couple of months.
Saturday, July 19, 2014
It's a Date!
I'm having another surgery!! Never thought I would be so excited to announce that. I spoke with the CEC this week about the costs and got a date all set up... September 18th!
Luckily the hospital there is considered in-network by my insurance. Since the back surgery took care of my out of pocket responsibility for in-network, that part won't cost me a thing. The CEC itself though is out of network, so I will owe them a hefty chunk of change upfront.
I hate to do it but I'm going to have to put it most of it on a credit card, but it'll be so much cheaper to do the surgery now than to wait to maybe save up and have to postpone until possibly next year. Plus, this surgery will allow me to discover what's really going on with my insides and hopefully let me know the status of my fertility. That knowledge and the fact that it may eradicate my pain possibly forever will make it worth it.
I looked into a popular medical credit card, but the reviews weren't that great. I may set up a help fund me type of fundraiser, but I'm still not sure about that.
The boyfriend won't be able to go with me, so my wonderful mother said she would. I love her so much!
I'm so nervous and excited!
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