A Liar and A Cheater

He did cheat on me.  He finally admitted it, but only after I told him everything I already knew and asked him specifically.  Turns out it wasn't with someone recently or local.  It was actually about six months ago when he went back home to visit some friends.  He saw an ex at a party and slept with her.

I saw an email he'd written to a friend about a month ago in which he said, "I cheated on her and didn't even feel bad about it."  So since October he's not given a shit about me and he didn't say anything until March.  Oh, he still says he loves me and wants to hang out and be friends, but whatever.

He cheated on me two weeks after my endo surgery.  I'd asked him to go with me to Atlanta, but he said he couldn't get out of work.  Then two weeks later he takes a week off to drive north to visit friends.  I thought that was fucked up then and do even more so now.

I feel so stupid.  "They" say hindsight is 20/20, and looking back I can see so many warning signs.  If I'm honest I saw a lot of them back then in the moment too, but I ignored them.  Not cheating signs, but ones to the kind of person he really is.  I wanted him to be "the one" so badly that I told myself I could live with our differences in values and actions.  I wanted to start a family so badly that I brushed off the fact that I wasn't really sure he was the guy for me.  All that being said though, I really did love him.

When we first got together he said that he would never hurt me.  I know that's something everyone says when they're in a new relationship and newly infatuated, but I keep thinking about it lately.  He'd been cheated on pretty devastatingly in the past and swore that he would never cheat.  Even last month when I first asked him, he insisted that he was no cheater.  All I wanted from the beginning of this end of the relationship was honesty, and I'm almost happy to find out the truth.  I knew he wouldn't have used the word "cheated" if he hadn't been with someone before we broke up, and I'm glad I got the courage to come out and ask him.

He's finally moving out in two days, and I won't have to see him anymore.  I'm going out of town this weekend so I won't have to be around for it all.  I'll come back home Sunday, and hopefully all his stuff will be gone.  Time for yet another fresh start.

Ready for Stability

It seems like a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks.  So many emotions constantly changing every day.  I'm ready for some new stability, and hopefully that will happen once the ex finally moves out next weekend.  We've been friendly towards each other, and it's just easier that way.  He's been very friendly and has actually tried to romance me the past couple of nights to get me to sleep with him again which isn't going to happen.  I found out the other day that he's actually talking with at least two other girls now.  Bully for him.  I'm ready to have my house back to myself and not be wondering or worrying about what a freakin man is doing.

I thought I was "talking" to another guy for awhile, but now I'm not sure anymore.  Since the breakup I've been texting almost every day with my guy friend from many years ago who lives half a country away.  I've always wondered if we would end up together one day.  He was doing some serious flirting back with me for awhile there.  We even had an almost three hour long conversation last weekend which was amazing.  We hadn't talked on the phone in at least two years, but it was like no time had passed at all.  I suggested the other day that we could meet up again, but he was all maybe-ish and I haven't heard from him since.  I was pretty sure he was single, but maybe not.  Maybe he's just not into me like that anymore.  Ugh.

My stepdad seems to be doing better for now, but I really have no idea what's going on with him.  He's off most of the medications and is more mobile now.  He's actually able to take care of himself for a few hours at a time, and my mother has been able to go back to work for the first time since January.  It's possible he could stay like this for awhile and it's also possible this is a rally before the end.  We just don't know.

We had some scary craziness at work the other day.  One of the employees vehicles caught on fire.  It was destroyed, took out the car next to it and damaged some of the building as well.  Two of our employees saw the first signs of smoke and were able to get a few things out of the car before the flames took over the whole thing.  The fire extinguisher did nothing.  It was awful and terrifying.  It seemed like it took forever for the fire department to show up, but in reality it was only a few minutes.  The fire just got so big so fast that it seemed like an eternity.  Luckily no one was hurt.

My back has been doing better, thankfully.  It gets sore at night but during the day it's mostly fine.  I saw the orthopedist and got a shot in my shoulder a couple of weeks ago.  It has been helping with the pain, and I've been doing some physical therapy at home.  I feel like it's starting to wear off though as the shoulder has been achy again lately.  I hope this doesn't turn into a thing.

It's almost too much...

I'm the biggest idiot alive.  I let people use me just because I don't want them to think badly of me or for things to end on a bad note.  I'm such a fucking idiot.

I discovered the ex cheated on me.  I'm almost one hundred percent positive it was before he broke up with me, but there's still a sliver of a chance that he didn't.  He swears up and down that he didn't start "talking" to her until after he ended things with me, but who knows.

This morning I told him to get out, then this evening I decided to let him stay the last month before his new place is available.  Even when I do and say things I know I'm justified in doing, just knowing that I'm making it harder on someone makes me change my mind.  He could have stayed with family or maybe even whoever he's "talking" to.  But I would have had to arrange times for him to come back to pack and crap which would have been awkward and I would still have that icky feeling in my stomach.

So instead I let him stay.  I'm being civil and keeping the peace.  He can pack over the next month, and I'll just swallow my anger for now.  It's worth it to pretend to be whatever towards him and me keep my sanity than kick him out and deal with getting all worked up and bitter whenever he would need to come over.

I could have just told him to go ahead and get all his shit out and not care where he ends up.  But I just couldn't.  Why couldn't I?

I asked him all sorts of questions, and he kept asking me why I needed to know.  Usually once I get all the facts I can sort through them in my mind, compartmentalize, then let it all go after some time.  I guess that's what I wanted.  I wanted to know the entire truth so I could take and learn from it what I could, then eventually let it go.

I still don't know if he was telling me the truth.  My gut says no, and for now I guess that's okay.  Whatever he did is already done, and me knowing or not knowing isn't going to change anything.  All I can do is wait for this month to be over and try to forget all the hurt he has caused me.

There are still good men out in this world, and I hope to one day be able to find the one that truly is for me.  Until then, I will stay positive.  I will still see the good in people.  I will trust until given a reason not to.

I will try anyway.

The Beginning of The End... Again

This might be the last couple of weeks for my stepdad.  For real this time.  Last week he said he was in a lot of pain, so the hospice doctor and nurse upped the dosage of his medication.  His body just couldn't take it, and the shit kind of hit the fan.  He was out of his mind.  When he became a little more clear-headed he decided that he didn't want to be on pain or anxiety meds anymore.  And he hasn't had any for almost a week.

My mom asked the nurse to come back out Monday to re-evaluate him since he was off all the meds.  She listened to his lungs and other organs and said that his body is now shutting down.  Apparently when it's towards the end a lot of hospice patients decide to stop their meds and still have hallucinations, like he is.  That along with some other things his body is doing led her to believe that he may only have a few weeks left.  She said at the end he may become less like himself and not realize who we are, then spend two or three days in a coma-like state, then pass away.

He's been pretty clear-headed the past couple of days, and it has been so wonderful to really get to talk to him again.  I even got him to laugh a little today, which made me feel so good.  He's sad and very weepy, but he says he's not in pain.  He has been so miserable for so long, and I hope that he's able to go with some sort of peace.

A Weird Time

I had my six week follow up appointment with the surgeon today.  A majority of the pain has gotten better, but my back is still very sore and I've been having some sciatic pain down both legs now, where before it was just in one.  He said it's probably from scar tissue.  Also since surgery I've been having pain in my left shoulder and arm that has not gone away.  He said something probably happened to the rotator cuff while they were doing surgery and showed me the weird position I was in.  Now I'm going to see an orthopedist to see what he can do.  It's always something.

After the appointment my mother and I went out to lunch while an aide stayed with my stepdad.  After lunch we did a little shopping and talking, which was nice.  She really needed to get out of the house and vent to someone a little.  My stepdad's pain medication dosage was recently increased, and since he's been on this new level he's out of it even more.  I barely understood a thing he said today.

Living with the now ex-boyfriend has been up and down.  It'll be weird, then it'll be fine.  I had a little meltdown on him this weekend.  It just is what it is right now, if that makes any sense.  He's got a place lined up and will be moving the first weekend in May.  I've made arrangements to visit some friends out of town while he's doing that.  I don't want to be around to see him packing and moving out.

Work has been okay since I've been back.  The new manager and I seem to be working well together and we're each trying hard not to step on each others toes.  The dynamic was a little weird at first as we were learning to work with each other in these new roles, but I think it'll be fine.

That's my little update for now.

Drunken Wish

I'm tired of being broken.  I just want someone to tell me they love me unconditionally and that I'm perfect the way I am.  Why is that so hard?

Worries

I go back to work tomorrow.  I'm happy and nervous at the same time.  Happy to be getting back to doing something and feeling useful.  Nervous about how it's all gonna go down.  I think it'll be okay.  I went in Friday for my paycheck, and the new manager was freaking out a little about one aspect she hadn't known about.  I actually showed her a few things to get her through it, and it went well.

I'm also happy to be getting out of the house and having something else to focus on besides the break-up.  The now ex-boyfriend has been off the past couple of days, so we've been home together a lot.  Sometimes it's not so bad, but a majority of the time it's just super awkward.  I can't go up and kiss him anymore, although we do hug sometimes.  The feelings are all still there, but I have to just turn them off.  It's difficult.

He actually went to look at a new place yesterday and put in an application for it.  On one hand I want him to still live here a couple of months so I can save up a little more money since I plan on living by myself for a few months after he leaves.  On the other I think it would be better if he did move sooner so I could start trying to get over him.

I'm terrified about getting a new roommate.  I lucked out with my last one and don't think I'd ever find another one like her.  But I might, possibly.  I really don't want to get one, but I can't afford to live here by myself.  Grrr...

Other stupid stuff I'm worrying about now:
- I have to mow the massive lawn again now with my heavy manual, swirly-whirligig mower.  How's that gonna go with my bum back?
- Am I gonna keep the gas tank for the fireplace?  I can't afford to have that massive thing refilled by myself.  Is a new roommate going to want to split the cost?
- The whole neighborhood's going to know we split up when his car goes away for good.  It really doesn't matter, but it's annoying.
- He's more than likely going to take his dog with him, and both dogs are going to be sad when they're separated.  Mine was actually depressed for awhile last time and didn't want to play or do much of anything.
- I'll have to get my own butter dish.  

Random things like that pop in my head all the time.  The biggest thing I worry about is if I'm ever going to have a child.  How long will it be before I date again?  If/when I find the right man, how long will we date before getting married?  Will I still be able to have children when that happens?  If I could do it on my own I totally would, but I just cannot afford that.  I wish I could so I wouldn't have to worry about a freakin man.

Dumped

My heart is breaking again.  The boyfriend and I have broken up.  He'd been acting weird lately, but I thought it was from all the long hours he'd been working or still being weird from my surgery.  But apparently not.  He said he hasn't been happy.  That our relationship doesn't feel right anymore.  He swore up and down that it has nothing to do with me.  He still loves me and thinks I'm great, but he doesn't want what I want.  He doesn't want to have kids.  He's not sure if he really wants to settle down at all.  He hates living in the South.  Since he was doing the whole "It's not you, it's me" routine, I asked him several times if he was being honest with me, and he said he was.  He kept saying I'm the nicest person he's ever known and he hates that he's wasted my time.  I guess I'm choosing to believe him.

He's got nowhere to go right now, so he'll still be living with me for a couple of months.  It was so hard breaking up late last night then trying to go to sleep next to him, although he did move to the couch later.  And forget sleep... it was nearing 3am before I drifted off with a major headache.  I had held my tears back pretty well, but I needed to be alone to do some obligatory sobbing.  That's what I'm doing on and off this morning now that he's gone to work.  I just can't believe this is happening.  We were coming up on our three year anniversary.  I guess that's my magical relationship number now.  
 
He may or may not be able to take what is technically his dog, although we got him together.  I can't imagine saying goodbye to that dog, I love him so much.  I don't want to say goodbye to either of them.  I'd been questioning our relationship lately too, but I was feeding off of how distant he'd become.  He hadn't really been affectionate at all, and we weren't talking much.  I really thought it was a phase that we would work through like we have before, but apparently this has been coming for awhile.  He didn't want "to be an asshole" and do it when my stepdad got sick, and then I had surgery.  I'm glad he did it a week before I have to go back to work so I'm not a fresh wreck there. 

I can't believe I have to go through this again.  I had found my partner.  I was ready.  I was starting to plan a wedding and now I'm starting all over.  I'm 32 and single again. What the fuck, life?!

I'm never going to have a baby.

The Calm After the Mini Storm in My Head

I feel much better about the work situation now.  Maybe because some time has passed.  Maybe because I took a step back and realized what is really important.  The evening after my last post I had a moment of clarity and reexamined things.  I thought about my stepdad, my friend who passed away and what I really want out of life and realized that there are a lot worse things than getting a new boss.  Almost immediately my stomach butterflies and my mind settled.  Yes, I'm still a little bothered by how no one called me, but I guess I'm mostly over it now.  As I've gotten older I've been able to mentally take a step back and get a hold of myself better.  After I've thoroughly freaked out about it though, haha.

I also was texting with my new boss this morning.  She was asking when I was coming back to work and about some scheduling things.  I told her I was fine with whatever but that I'd like to keep my normal day off.  She said she didn't want to change my days, but was just making sure that I was coming back because she needs me.  She said they just threw her in to sink or swim, and I guess she's not getting much guidance in her new role.  I reassured her that she'll swim, and it hit me that I really do want to help her do well in her new position.

I guess I feel a little reassured that I am still valued there, at least by her.  It seems like she's trying and doesn't want there to be any friction between us.  I appreciate that.  I still don't know how the higher ups feel, but they're not the ones I share a desk with every day.