Happy New Year

Wow, I skipped all of December.  I've never done that before.  The holiday blues continued, and I just didn't feel like writing I suppose.

Christmas was nice.  Spent time with family and some friends who were in town.  New Year's was rough.  My plans fell through, so I spent the night at home drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself.  Then drank some wine.  I was sad.

I made some absolutely amazing Christmas cookies.  Snickerdoodles.  Brownie cookies. White chocolate chip/oatmeal/cranberry/pistachio cookies.  Amazing shit.

My biological father called Christmas evening during dinner and left a message.  I called him back a couple of days later, then again New Year's Eve but haven't gotten him yet.  The last time he called was Christmas 2011.

The roommate moved out a few weeks ago, and I'm on the lookout for a new one again.  I really like living alone and wish I could afford it by myself.  Oh well.  I hope the next person and I relate a little better.  I always felt awkward around the old one.

Got a professional bra fitting a few weeks ago.  I thought I was a D cup.  Nope.  Apparently I wear an F or a G, depending on the bra.  That absolutely blows my mind.

I'm going to start another Whole30 this week.  Ready to lose more weight and hoping to lose more than last time since I'm going to the gym now.  I've had a couple of people recently say they could tell I've lost some weight, so I'm motivated to see more results.  I'm ready to be happy with what I see in the mirror.

Been doing some serious flirting with Dakota Guy.  He said recently that we could be a possibility in his mind now.  Nothing other than talk is happening so far.  No plans have been set in motion.  I don't know if he's serious or not.  I figure since no one else is interested right now, I'll just keep working on me for the time being.  When I've lost the weight I want and feel comfortable with myself again, I'll see where he stands.  If he's not fully in it I'll move on.  I think that's a good plan.

I had my second back injection last month, and it was even worse than the first one.  I guess the doctor got the medicine right to the nerve because when he injected it my leg felt like it was set on fire.  Sharp pain shot down, and I cried out.  It was so embarrassing.  But he said it could be a good thing since that didn't happen the first time and I didn't feel much better after it.  And it has been feeling better this time around, so maybe he's right.

I'm thinking about getting back on anti-depressants.  Things have been really hard lately, but I don't know if it's just because of the holidays.  I might give it another month or so and reevaluate.  I'm just tired of being sad.

Holiday Blues

I dreamed I had a baby.  A really huge baby.  A boy.  I was in the hospital, it happened in less than an hour, and I hadn't told anyone that I wanted to try it naturally.  So I was really doped up, confused and didn't feel a thing.  I looked over, and they had placed my enormous baby naked on another full sized bed and walked away.  I picked him up and started nursing him.  It was amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Lately I've been wondering if I truly still want to have a child.  Wondering if I want to deal with the screaming and mememe attitude they have.  I've only really been around moody toddlers lately and I think it's skewed my vision and made me forget about the good and sweet parts of children.  Honestly I still think that second guessing is me trying to mentally prepare myself to be okay if it never happens.  Deep down I know I want children and I'm just so very scared it won't happen.  And yesterday I was having sharp and shooting ovary pains that brought that fear back to the foreground, which really didn't help.  I cried every time that pain came back all night long.

I've been down since Thanksgiving.  The day itself was a mix of happy and sad.  I spent good time with family and friends, but I kept remembering last Thanksgiving.  My house was full of people I thought were going to be my in-laws.  The ex and I cooked for his family, and I loved every minute of it.  Last year I thought I would be marrying that man and starting a family with him.  I didn't even know he had cheated on me the month before.

I love being in a happy relationship during the holidays.  It's an incredible feeling, and I miss it terribly.  My house is now empty other than a roommate who may or may not be moving in a few weeks.

I think I may take a step back from trying to date.  I put myself out there again last weekend and asked my sexting buddy of a couple of months now if he would like to meet in person to see if we hit it off in the real world.  I guess he wasn't interested because he completely ignored that question and has tried to keep our other conversation going business as usual ever since.  What is up with these guys?  I get if you don't actually want to meet, but at least say so.  Don't just stop all communication or ignore what I just said to you.  Be a fucking grown ass person.  So I'm 0-2 these past couple of weeks.  I've never asked guys out before, and it just sucks now that I am that I'm getting totally shot down.

I'm actually 0-3 if you count Dakota Guy from a few months ago.  Laid my heart all out there, but thankfully he was nice enough to let me down gently.  These past few weeks he has been incredibly flirty and very clingy.  He texts every morning and we talk throughout the day.  I like it just fine, but I feel myself getting attached to him again and wondering if he could one day be a possibility.  I guess it's okay for now though.  Maybe he can satisfy my need for male attention, even if it is just through texts, until there's a real live human man voluntarily standing next to me in person.  That sounds fucking pathetic.

Woah!

I can't believe it's been a freakin month since I've written!  I'm not sure I've ever gone that long before.  Not sure why, just haven't felt like writing until now.

This past week I stuck my toe in the dating waters to see how it would go.  A few months ago I perused a certain dating website to see who was out there, and there was one guy who stuck out.  I wasn't really ready for anything yet, so I didn't sign up.  But last weekend after a couple of glasses of wine I decided to look again, and he was still there!  So I made a profile and messaged him, and he actually messaged back!  He was cute, seemed like a super nice guy, and wanted the same things I did out of life.

We decided to meet up for a drink one evening.  Day was set, time was set... then he fell asleep after I asked where he'd like to meet.  No big deal, he said he might.  So the next morning, the day we were to meet, I sent a good morning message.  I checked back a few minutes later to see that he was online.  Yay!  No reply.  Grrr, but okay.  Hours passed.  About 2-3:00pm I asked if we were still on for our date.  No reply.  Punk.  I get if he changed his mind or something, but be a freakin grown up and just say so.  Geez.  So that was a great first experience attempting to date again.

One good thing did come out of it though... a good conversation with my roommate.  We're not very similar, have opposite schedules, and don't really see each other very much.  I don't think we've had more than a five minute conversation at all before now.  But we just happened to be home and awake at the same time and ended up commiserating about sucky guys.  It was nice to get to vent about some stuff and be understood.

I had my first back injection a few weeks ago, and it... fucking... hurt.  A lot.  Like, a lot a lot.  And they make you hurt more for about a week after you get them.  I'd rather sit through tattoos then do that again.  But, alas, I shall be receiving another 1-2 injections in the coming months, the first being in about two weeks.  Awesome.

But to reward myself I shall sit through more pain and get tattooed again.  I think I've finally found what I want to be my next one, but I'm still thinking and tweaking it.  I've been wanting to venture off my back for awhile, and this one would be on my shoulder and arm, or just arm... haven't decided yet.  I'm excited though.

I'm also excited that I've gone back to the gym!  Anything other than the treadmill makes the nerve hurt, so I'm starting out super slow right now.  My social anxiety has got me too nervous to venture away from the cardio equipment anyway.  I'm hoping the temporary physical restriction will give me time to mentally prepare myself to try the weight machines (in front of everyone!) when I'm able.  We'll see.  I've only been a few times so far, but it feels so good to get back to it.  This is a new gym that just opened, and I love it so far.

And that's been my exciting life for the past month.

Self Pachingo Therapy

Mascara is streaking down my face right now.  My pachingo and my feelings are hurt.  I want to yell and scream and kick something really hard.

So back when I had endo excision surgery, during the initial exam my amazing doctor man diagnosed me with pelvic floor dysfunction and prescribed physical therapy for it.  Since coochie PT is not covered by insurance, I did some research and found this fabulous self-treatment book that even was said to be recommended by therapists for patients who can't afford to see them.  Appropriate I thought, so I got it.  It said I should get some medical vaginal dilators, so I did and nearly shit myself at the thought of inserting the one sized XL.  No fucking way that was gonna happen.

So tonight was to be Day 1.  I re-read the chapter on self-assessment and got to it.  Damn if I didn't make it all the way to the big boy before insertion hurt.  I was pretty proud of myself.  Then it said to take the XS and do some poking around.  Fuck if that didn't hurt every fucking place I pressed.  I was still okay though.  I realized where the problem areas are (everywhere) and read the chapter about how to start fixing it.

Alright, so step one, insertion with the little guy again.  Check.  Step two, poke it where it hurts and hold it there for a few minutes.  Alright, I'll give it a shot.  I started where it said to and worked my way around.  Then it happened.  One tear, followed by another and another until I was bawling.

The pain started it, but then it was from frustration, then anger.  Frustration that I had to be dealt this card in life on top of everything else.  (Yes, I know there are much worse cards I could have had, but let me have my little pity party.)  Agitation that I can't have what it seems everyone else has... enjoyable sex without pain.  (Is that really a thing you can do sober?**)  Then anger that this has hurt not only me but important relationships in my life.  The fact that it was part of my marriage ending and what drove my ex-boyfriend to cheat.  And there was that punch in the gut again.  I just couldn't continue in that frame of mind.

I need to do this for me.  I need to be able to enjoy sex for myself (and with... I would like to be able to insert my vibrator) and eventually with an actual penis.  I shouldn't be doing it because I'm scared if I don't I'll never be able to keep a man.  As stupid as that sounds, it's a real fear.  I've learned even the seemingly perfect man isn't guaranteed to stick around if he thinks it's his fault you're hurting every time you make love.

I met this guy online a few weeks ago.  It was strictly platonic at first but the more we've talked it's grown into basically sexting.  We've never met, we don't know personal information about each other.  His profile pic is of his very well sculpted upper half, minus the face, and I don't have a pic at all.  A lot of our sexting leans toward the rougher stuff, and it's got me thinking.  What if one day we do decide to meet, hit it off and eventually head toward the bedroom.  He obviously likes it a little more aggressive, and I do too when I can stand it (read = drunk).  What if I can't do it?  Oops... there goes another one!  And there's that fucking fear.  Literally, also.  I should be able to have sex however the fuck I want and not be scared that it's going to fucking hurt.  And me thinking about this guy (sexy as he is) is me partially thinking I'll never find a lasting love so I might as well just stick with a fuck buddy.

And in all that rambling I guess that brings me back full circle.  I need to do this.  Period.  Maybe I'll call today a practice run where I worked out all the kinks (hopefully) and tomorrow can be called Day 1½ .


**Just now writing this I've realized why I always like sex better when drunk.  I remember saying to my ex, "Let's get drunk and have sex".  Most of the time he was fine with it, but a couple of times he responded with something like, "Why do you only want to have sex when we're drunk?"  I thought it was because it takes away some of my inhibitions, but I'm just now realizing that it's also because it doesn't hurt as much when I'm numb from the alcohol.  Maybe the fact that it doesn't hurt makes me want to do more.  I definitely feel it later and still the next day, but not during, and I guess that knowledge was stored deep down somewhere.  Huh.

Not even pregnant and I get an epidural...

How cruel is that?

I finally met with my surgeon yesterday and the disc has NOT ruptured again!!  He said the nerve root channel is narrower because of the amount of disc that has been removed and there's also scar tissue around the nerve.  So it's staying irritated.  The plan now is to get an epidural cortisone-type injection... eek.  But it's better than another surgery.  The other option is lumbar fusion which neither of us wants now!

The written interpretation of the MRI was put in my medical records online, and I found an interesting little tidbit.  "Numerous large calcified gallstones are present."  Isn't that just fantastic.  If I hadn't discovered that myself, no one would have told me.  My back surgeon didn't because he wasn't looking up there.  Is it his responsibility to tell me even though he's just concerned with my lower back?  Is he required to look over all the results, or just the portion he's tending to?  I really don't know.  No other doctor is going to see the results.  I've had no symptoms, so I guess I'll just keep an eye on that myself.

Moving on.  Surprisingly, for very brief moments the ex actually got me thinking about us getting back together.  All week I've had little thoughts creeping into my mind which got me remembering the good times we had.  Then common sense would kick in and remind me how emotionally unsupportive and distant he usually was.  I couldn't be happy with that forever.  Still though, it would be so easy to just fall back together, and I wondered about it.  But last night finally did it for me.  I dreamed we did just that and it wasn't good.  I regretted it immediately and wanted out, so I guess that's my answer.  Just needed my subconscious to back me up.

I've been practice talking to guys, if that makes sense.  I've never been good at conversation, especially on dates with men, so I thought I could take this time away from dating to work on my lack of skills.  There's a popular messaging app where you can pretty much make up your info and talk to people.  So I created one of those and started conversing with a few fellas.  They're all relatively local, but I didn't post a picture and haven't been quite honest answering some questions.  I fib on my line of work and particular details about my life just in case I were to ever meet them on the street.  Not that that's likely to happen, but you never know.  And you can't be too safe on the internet.  It's been fun so far, and maybe my next first date won't be so awkward.

Closure?

It feels like so much has happened in these last two weeks.  I had the MRI but don't know what it showed yet.  I was supposed to find out this past week, but once again the surgeon's office called to reschedule.  For a week and a half out.  So frustrating.

My roommate moved in last weekend, and it's surprising how similar she is to my old roommate.  Of all the different kinds of people in the world, how did I end up with the same exact one?  Not that it's a bad thing at all, we're just so very different.  She's very nice and polite, and I don't think we'll have any problems at all.  I don't see us getting close like the last roommate, and that's okay.  Previous awesome roommate is actually in town this weekend, and we're hanging out tonight.  Oh, how I've missed her!

My Whole30 is complete!  I lost eleven pounds over the month and all my clothes are so much looser.  I fit back in a pair of jeans I haven't worn in two years.  On Day 31 I reintroduced dairy.  I needed my coffee creamer, except now I make my own from organic goodness.  I had almost every intention of doing the reintroduction phase by the book, but I didn't. A client at work bought us lunch, and I indulged a little.  Nothing bad, but not what I was supposed to be eating.  And then yesterday I was doing well until...

The ex-boyfriend invited me out to dinner.  He's been texting me occasionally the past couple of weeks apologizing for all he did and asking if I wanted to "grab a bite."  Yesterday afternoon he texted a picture of our dog that he took with him and tried to start a conversation.  Then he asked me to dinner.  I've been so angry with him all this time and thought maybe I could get some closure, so I said yes.

He picked me up and actually opened the car door for me for the first time ever.  We went downtown to a restaurant we both really like and waited at the bar until our table was ready.  Almost immediately after getting our drinks (my first alcoholic one in over a month... it was awesome!) he started echoing his text messages with I'm sorry and I know I fucked up and if I could just turn back time.  Then he got down to it and stumbled over the words as he tried to ask if I would give him another chance.

He told me to think about it, but I didn't have to and didn't want to lead him on so I told him I wasn't interested in that.  He said he understood.  Throughout the meal he tried some more, asking if I was sure and saying he was ready for marriage and children.  I was firm.  Surprisingly, he actually teared up a lot.  After dinner we walked around downtown and ended up on a bench by the water.  He kept starting to say something, then would stop.  He eventually got it out which was basically more of the same, and I took the opportunity to say some things I never did back when it all it all went down.

I asked him why he cheated, and he said it was because every time he and I tried to have sex, he hurt me.  There it is.  Again.  Stupid fucking endometriosis and pelvic floor dysfunction.  I know that's not the entire reason and that he was the uncaring asshole, but come on!  I'm tired of sex being a contributing factor to my relationships ending!!!

As we walked back to the car he kept asking me to consider hanging out again and said he wasn't giving up on us yet.  I told him he needed to be prepared for not getting the answer he wants.  He took me home and asked if he could see my dog.  We went outside, and he actually started crying as they played.  It was sad.

I feel a little uneasy about the evening, but I'm glad I went.  I got to say what I wanted to say and I know he truly regrets everything he did.  I guess that's something.

Memory Lane

So apparently my email saves sent messages for practically ever.  I was just looking through folders and found emails I'd sent seven years ago!  A lot had messages I was replying to also, so I got to read whole conversations.  A bunch of them were with my ex-husband.  Emails we'd sent to each other before texting was a thing for me.  Random "I love you" notes telling him how happy I was.  Emails with vendors to make arrangements for our wedding.  Trying to find places to live in Charlotte and Mississippi.  Really took me back to our happy times.  I kind of miss them.  Also a few sad ones about our failed relationship from us both written while we'd been drinking.  Interesting to read them all.

I really miss how amazing it feels to be in a happy relationship.  I've been wanting so much lately to try to find someone, but I really feel it's not the right time yet.  I've been talking to Dakota Guy daily, which has been amazing.  I'm pretty confident he's not the one for me, but just having a guy to talk to and do innocent flirting with has been phenomenal.  Now I just want it in person.  I want to cuddle and have sex.

I want sex not to hurt.  I haven't been able to go to physical therapy for my pelvic floor dysfunction, but I found a book that's supposed to be tremendously helpful with it.  I'm very much looking forward to reading it and trying out what it suggests.  I want more than anything to have a relationship that has absolutely nothing bad happening in the sex department.  All three of my past sexual relationships (yes, that's my number) have in some way been negatively affected by it, and I don't want it to happen again.  I don't think I could take it.

I do know one thing and that's if I ever do find a fella, I'm not bringing him home when my new roommate is here.  That's right!  I finally found a roommate!  She moves in next weekend and she's freakin gorgeous.  No way a man would want anything to do with broken old me when she's in the next room.  Why are my roommates always prettier than me?

Maybe that won't be for long though... I've lost seven pounds so far with Whole30, and I hope to lose even more!  I know that's not the main point of the thing, but I can't tell any other differences and need something to hope for.  Maybe if I stick with it I can get back down to my ideal weight.  It would be nice if I could throw in some serious exercise, but my back just hurts too much.

I'm scared about it again, too.  My surgeon didn't exactly sound hopeful when I saw him a couple of weeks ago, and the MRI is scheduled for this week.  I'm pretty nervous to see what it shows.  But I think I already know.

Whole30

Today has been a fun-filled one full of cooking.  And I don't even like cooking.

My chiropractor has been getting on me lately about trying the Whole30 program to see if it could help with the inflammation around my back and also improve my health in general.  At first I kinda considered it, but didn't really look into it.  I knew it meant cutting out grain goods and dairy and I didn't think I could do it.  I didn't want to.

A couple of weeks ago she suggested it again, and for some reason I started doing some research.  Then something switched in my brain, and I started really wanting to do it.  I've been overweight for several years now, and that spare tire has not been good for my already fragile self-esteem and confidence.  I knew this would be a good way to seriously attempt to lose some weight, and it would only be thirty days.  I figured I could do that.

And so I did.  I knew there would be a birthday potluck for a girl at work that would have particularly delicious dishes, so I chose to start the day after that, which was Tuesday.  I am currently on Day 5 and going strong.  Day 1 was good, but Days 2 & 3 kicked my ass.  I had pounding headaches and no energy at all.  I guess from all the bad junk leaving my body?  I was craving everything I couldn't have, and it didn't help that there were tons of sweet goodies at work.

But I've resisted, and it's paying off.  As of yesterday I've already lost four pounds!  I weighed myself three times to make sure the scale was correct, and even then I wasn't convinced.  I've never lost that much is such a short period of time.  You're not supposed to weigh yourself at all during the thirty days, but I just couldn't help it.  I really wanted to see if I'd made any progress, and knowing that I have has given me even more determination to keep with it.

I didn't plan for the start of it very well, and I got pretty bored of the food.  I'd eat a couple of eggs for breakfast and have some tea.  I am not a fan of tea and actually went back to coffee today and added a little coconut milk and cinnamon.  I'd have some fruit and leftovers for lunch.  For dinner every single night I was making chicken and vegetables.  It was good, but it was getting rough.

This week I've prepped much better!  I looked up recipes and stocked up at the grocery store.  I did a lot of cooking today so there won't be quite as much through the week.

Firstly, I made ghee!  I'm not sure I've ever even tried it, but I'm getting tired of cooking everything with EVOO and needed another option.  Plus I figured if it involved butter it had to be good!  I followed this recipe from The Healthy Foodie.  It was pretty simple, and I can't wait to try it tomorrow!

Freshly made and a few hours later

Next I wanted to make the meatballs found here at Stay Fit Mom.  I changed the recipe a little by using ground turkey instead of beef and left out the onions.  They were so good!  I wanted the spaghetti and meatballs experience, so I used a peeler to make zucchini "noodles" and threw together a makeshift tomato sauce.  All together they made a pretty damn good dish.

I had some extra turkey and pork left over and decided to try my hand at the scotch eggs from Stupid Easy Paleo.  I medium-ish boiled the eggs and left out the spice mix and honey.  Basically it was just meat and sea salt, but it seriously tasted like some sausage.  These are going to be part of my breakfasts this week.

They look rough but, my, are they tasty.

I'm so glad I started the Whole30 and am pretty stoked to hopefully continue seeing results.  And I'm super excited to try more of the recipes I've found.  I really hope that after the thirty days I'll want to keep up the healthy eating and stick to a mostly Paleo diet.  Well, we'll see.  At least healthier anyway.

Pay it Forward

About a year and a half ago when my awesomest of roommates got married, she asked me to make the cake.  I looked forever for a fitting topper and finally found it two days before the wedding.  Across the country.  It was on Etsy, and I asked the artist if she could ship it overnight.  She didn't get the message until the next day, but she could still ship it so it would arrive right before the ceremony.  I paid for the standard overnight charges and was all excited to get it.  I told the artist what it was for, and she said she wanted pictures.  Then I got another email from her saying that the shipping charge would be some absolutely obscene amount of money more.  Which I just did not have.  Extremely bummed, I told her I couldn't afford the extra.  And she wrote back...

It will be there tomorrow morning.  Have a great Christmas :)  Pay it forward ♥

And today I finally did.  I've been trying to sell my wedding dress for several years.  I paid around $800 for it brand new in 2008.  I started posting it on Craigslist back in 2011 or so and was asking in the $600 range.  No takers.  I dropped a hundred bucks off of it every time I relisted it, taking a few months in between each one.  Then I just stopped for a while.  I was tired of trying.  Then a couple of months ago I put it up again... at $60.  Someone freakin tagged it as inappropriate, so it was removed.  I think it was the person who I said I wouldn't ship it to.  It clearly said local pick up only.  Oh well.

I figured I'd give it another shot last week and relisted at $60 again.  Yesterday I got an email from a lady asking if I'd take $30.  I asked if she would come up to $40, and she replied, "I can do $35 and pick it up tomorrow."  Deal.  I was ready to be done with it.  As much as I loved it, it's been a constant reminder of another life just hanging in the closet.

We met this evening, and said she was getting it for her niece.  As I put it back in the garment bag she commented how it was even prettier in person.  She held out the money, and I shook my head.  I told her she could have it and that I hoped her niece loves it as much as I did.  I was tearing up as the words came out and I tried so hard not to actually cry.  When I shut the door behind her, I was remembering the day that I wore it.  I am actually sad to see it go but very glad it can be beautiful on another bride.

Bittersweet.