Smoking

I’ve got to stop smoking, but I love it so much! I love the little rush I feel when I smell a freshly opened pack. I look forward to the bit of a “high” I get towards the end of a cigarette and how it forces me to relax. I enjoy the moments when my mind wanders when I’m smoking by myself on the back porch, a few minutes of tanning during the day and then later staring up at the night sky.

I’m not really a big smoker. Well… I have been more so lately, but never more that 5-6 a day. Is that a lot? It’s not like it’s a pack or two like my parents used to do.

I started around five years ago because it was a legal something that calmed me down when I felt I was going to jump out of my skin. Then it was only one or two a few times a month and it stayed that way for several years. It was only when I really needed to.

A few months ago I started more. It started out socially, then increased as the stress level went up. Then it became something to do, a way to pass the time. Now it’s become a mix of all three. I really don’t feel a need to smoke unless I’m getting frustrated. I do have a great desire to smoke whenever the husband and roommate do, whether at home or at a bar having a few drinks. I guess it is mostly social. I like how we talk and open up more when we all go outside for a cigarette, especially at night. We get to know each other better and seem to bond some. I think that’s a big part of why I’m reluctant to give it up… it wouldn’t be the same.

When the husband and I started trying to get pregnant, I only smoked two weeks out of the month. But the months have kept passing with no second pink line, and I’ve been smoking the other two weeks as well. Even though I think our problem so far has been more “user error”, I wonder if I should go ahead and quit. I know my body would appreciate it, and this annoying coughing would go away. Whenever I do get pregnant though, I definitely will quit. I’ll have someone else to bond with then. :)

**Update... As of July 16, 2010 I am a non-smoker! Yay!**