Just a Phase

I've been questioning myself and my life a lot lately.  I'm hoping it's just a phase, but I've been beginning to wonder if I even really want kids anymore.  It's got to be just a phase.  Me, who's only dream since being a teenager was to fall in love and have a family, is questioning the thought of even having children now.  I keep thinking how terrible of a mother I would be.  I feel like I'm a mess and would not be capable of helping a little person become a happy, successful member of society.  I'm a socially anxious hermit (lately) who can't even manage to raise normal dogs.  How badly could I fuck up a kid?!

I haven't really wanted anything to do with kids lately.  When my best friend had her baby (who I haven't even met yet and am honestly not too excited about meeting [oh that's so terrible!!] ) about six weeks ago, it's like something switched in my brain.  I thought it was just the normal jealousy and sadness, but it's stuck around longer than I thought.  I hate seeing pictures of anyone's kids posted online.  Being around any kid gets me annoyed.  But I still babysit my "niece" and hang out with her and her mom every week, and that doesn't seem to bother me, so I don't know.  That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.

Because if I really don't want kids, then what the fuck do I do with my life?  I still don't care about a career.  I do still want to find love.  Real, true, I can be myself without fear of him leaving love.  Maybe once I find that, my motherhood desire will kick back in.  Deep down, I think I really want it to.  That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.

I think I just feel stuck and stagnant right now, and that's contributing to my insecurities getting the best of me.

That's why I'm hoping it's just a phase.