Tearful Driving

I lost it today. I couldn’t bring myself to go in. I kept driving and went right past it. Right past it. And I continued driving until I was an hour out of town. I didn’t know where I was going… just away. Nothing but beautiful countryside to try to focus on as I drove west. I cried. A lot. I called a friend who’s twelve hours away and she talked me down. I really appreciated that. Down pouring tears, a cell phone and a car... not the best combination. I eventually turned around and drove back home. The whole way I wondered what I would tell him. Keep the peace and say, yes, I went there? Tell the truth and say, no, I couldn’t do it? I couldn’t lie to him. He was amazing. I really thought he’d be angry, but he was so sweet and supportive. I really have the best husband.

I hate this anxiety. It gets the best of me just about every time, and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s crippling and makes life extremely difficult to get through. I want to just wake up one day and have the courage I need. Having him has helped a lot, but it hasn’t fixed it completely. It was there long before he came along and I feel it will be, in some form or another, forever.