I’m sad today and scared. I’ve been thinking about the endo a lot lately, and I’m scared of the unknown aspects of it. I’m scared because I don’t know if it’s there (other than in the pachingo) and if it is, how much damage it’s done. I’m scared because it’s going to be a very, very long time before I can get a lap to find out. I’m scared that by then it will have done too much damage for me to have a child naturally. I’m scared I may never get to live out my dream of being a mother. That terrifies me and saddens me horribly.
When I think of the future now, I don’t know how to picture it. In the past I’ve always pictured a big happy family, but now it’s different. All I see is a big unanswered question. I’m not certain that children will be there now, and that absolutely breaks my heart. I feel empty.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
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