If I weren't terrified to drive anything bigger than my Corolla I could be a fantastic trucker. In the past two weeks I have driven over 2,500 miles, covering the distance between my home in MS and my parents' house in NC three times. Each trip seemed to pass by a little faster than the previous one. I bet I could even do it without the GPS now. I did get a little distracted and missed an exit today, but that only happened once and only added about twenty minutes to the drive, so we'll overlook it. So, why all the monotonous traveling?
The husband and I are now separated.
I can't believe I just typed that. We're separated. Separated. I'm still in shock and partial denial. He said he needs to be alone, and I'm now trying to respect his wishes but it's been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It hurts like nothing I've experienced before. I forget how to breathe sometimes. I feel like I'm in the middle of a terribly bad dream and can't wake up. It's so surreal still. When I first wake up in the mornings I'm blissfully unaware and content for about ten seconds, then I remember all that's happened and I can feel a wave of it all wash over my whole body starting at the top of my head and working its way down, tying my stomach all in knots for the rest of the day. I look forward to those first ten seconds every day.
I stayed with a friend the other night to break up the drive and we were looking at pictures from when we were growing up. I forgot about absolutely everything other than our childhood memories for about an hour or so. When we were finished around midnight the first thought that came to mind was that I wanted to call the husband to tell him I love him and wish him goodnight. Then I remembered that I couldn't.
I miss my best friend. I miss my house. I miss my dogs.
The cat and I are now living with my parents for a few months. The husband did agree to reevaluate after a few months of being apart and us both getting therapy. All I can do now is work on me and hold on to hope that he'll want to work on us down the road.
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