Looking Ahead, Kinda

I've dreamed about the ex a couple of times in the past few days.  But instead of yelling at him like in most of them, we were talking and laughing about some old memory or traveling together as friends.  Even in the dreams it felt weird talking to and being around him like that, but it felt like progress.  I wonder if we'll ever be able to be friends.  We're not in communication with each other at all now, haven't been for months.  I don't know about for him, but for me it just hurts too much.  It hurts to even think about him.  In the back of my mind I'm still mourning the loss of that life I thought we would have.  He was my person, the one who knew and understood me the best.  I miss that.

I don't know if I can keep doing this casual thing with the new boy.  I'm really enjoying the physical aspects of it (is it sad that I like the cuddling the best?), and I can talk to him but I miss that emotional intimacy.  That part of it is just not there between us.  Not that it's supposed to be with the "arrangement" we have, but I find myself longing for it.  And not necessarily with him anymore.

I have my own version of a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet.  It's the one from my friend's Blessingway Ceremony.  You're supposed to wear it until the baby's born, but I never took mine off.  I joke that it's my "What's Gonna Get Me Knocked Up?" bracelet, but it does serve as a reminder to do what I need to get my life going in the direction I want it to again.  I want to fall in love.  I want to get married.  I want to have children.  What I'm doing now isn't going to get me there.  Then again, it's still only been a few months.  I know I'm not ready to fully love or trust again right now.  I just really, really want to be.