I was looking at old pictures of my ex the other day and all I could think was, "That's my husband." But he's not anymore. Some days I'm glad, some days I'm devastated that he's not. Some days I'm happy to be able to roam and mingle, some days I miss the comfort of having my someone. Him as my someone. Some days I completely understand why we didn't work out, some days I still wonder why we didn't try harder.
Got the boy to open up a little more last night. He hasn't been in a relationship for three years but says he wants to settle down and have a family, so I couldn't understand why he wasn't pursuing one now. He said he's just not ready yet and still wants to wait a few years. Maybe he doesn't think I'm the right one for him, which I totally get because he's not really right for me. Either way, I feel better about the situation and about what is and isn't going on between us.
That being said, last night didn't go so well in the bedroom. For the first time with him, sex hurt. We tried everything, but it just didn't get any better, and we had to stop. I tried my damnedest, but I just couldn't help it... I couldn't hold back the tears. Not from the pain, but from the anger and frustration I felt because of it. I still blame it for being part of what went wrong in my marriage. I'm terrified that it's going to keep me from ever having a fully satisfying relationship in that regard. I'm scared it's going to scare someone else away. The boy was great about it, but I could tell it freaked him out a little.
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