*Thunk*

That's the sound of me hitting rock bottom.  It feels like it anyway.  Today I found myself apologizing for being who I am to a man who is basically a drinking/fuck buddy.  I like hanging out with him alone, but not really with friends.  Pretty much because he doesn't want anyone to know that we're "involved".  Plus the social anxiety has been bad lately.  He knows that about me too which really pisses me off that he's mad about it.  So I didn't go to his drunken Jeopardy marathon.  He knew I probably wouldn't anyway.

Anyways, he was mad about it today, and I let it fucking get to me.  I don't know why, because he's a self-proclaimed asshole and I completely know that about him.  I guess it just hurts that another man turned on me mostly out of the blue.  We smoothed it all over, but I don't know if I can keep doing this.  I know I keep saying that, but I'm not ready to let him go yet.

And here's where the thunk gets louder... I feel like a freakin whore.  I went out with a past flame last week and I pretty much knew all he wanted was sex.  I wanted it too, kind of, but I held back.  We were basically naked in bed together and things starting to get heated, but I told him AF was in town so I could have a little more time to think.  Do I really want another casual relationship?  Is it okay to have them if a serious one isn't anywhere on the horizon?  And freakin two at a time?!  Does that constitute "sleeping around"?  Cause I don't wanna be that girl.

Why am I putting myself in situations that make me feel like this?  This isn't like me at all.  Or maybe it is.  Male attention was something I craved almost my entire life but never really got before the ex.  Now I'm able to get it, and I don't want to let it go.  Is that wrong?