One of my best friends is very methodical and thinks long term. She and her husband have been scrimping and saving for years. They've lived extremely frugally and are crazy couponers. In doing this they have just bought their first house with a large down payment and still have a large cushion... which they're scared to spend, but that's beside the point.
They have a plan. They know what they want to accomplish through the years and how they want to live, and they're happy to lay the groundwork now and be fruitful in the long run. And that works for them.
My boss-lady (who I'm pretty good friends with) is of the other mindset... we're not promised tomorrow, so do what you've always wanted to and what makes you happy now. She's doing things for herself that she never used to... She just got her first tattoo and is planning another. She now gets bi-weekly mani/pedis, takes local day trips and does other things that make her feel good about herself.
Her financial situation doesn't really let her save for the future, so she says "screw it" and when she gets a little something extra she uses it for fun. And that works for her.
My friend's and my boss' situations are different, so of course they're looking at it from different angles. My friend is in her thirties and has only been married for a few years. She's gotten a good start and wants to be practical with everything. My boss is 50, been married for 30 years with no kids and has "been there, done that." She also has a big family history of heart problems, feels lucky to have made it this long and wants to enjoy life to the fullest in case it doesn't last much longer.
I understand where each is coming from and I feel I fall somewhere in the middle. I want to embrace the now and live in the moment, but I also need to think of the future. I want to have fun while I'm young, but I also want to start settling down and attempting to have children. The latter of each involves some long term planning and saving, but I do allow a little splurge here and there for the former. And I guess that will work for me.
singing of beautiful and impossible things,
of things that are lovely and that never happen,
of things that are not and that should be." -Oscar Wilde
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Monday, November 5, 2012
That Time Again
What time, you ask? It's time to bitch an complain about pregnant people being everywhere again!! Yay! *sigh* They're all over the freakin place. And they're all posting adorable preggo belly photos for the holidays.
My best friend is pregnant and due right after the first of the year. Now I love her to death and would do anything for her, and apparently that means being involved in planning the baby shower her family is putting together. I would have no problem with this (other than the obvious one) if someone would have informed me that I was to be helping. I still don't know who volunteered me. An extra couple of months notice would have been nice too. Now it's less than three weeks away, and as far as I know, nothing's really been done other than talking about it. At all. Invitations should have been sent a couple of weeks ago. Ugh!
In all seriousness though, I'm happy to be planning my bestie's first baby shower and had been planning on participating anyway. It's just hard. Emotionally painful. I left her sister's kid's first birthday party almost in tears at the sight of all the happy young mothers. I'm terrified I'm gonna burst out at this next most joyous event too. It's embarrassing.
My best friend is pregnant and due right after the first of the year. Now I love her to death and would do anything for her, and apparently that means being involved in planning the baby shower her family is putting together. I would have no problem with this (other than the obvious one) if someone would have informed me that I was to be helping. I still don't know who volunteered me. An extra couple of months notice would have been nice too. Now it's less than three weeks away, and as far as I know, nothing's really been done other than talking about it. At all. Invitations should have been sent a couple of weeks ago. Ugh!
In all seriousness though, I'm happy to be planning my bestie's first baby shower and had been planning on participating anyway. It's just hard. Emotionally painful. I left her sister's kid's first birthday party almost in tears at the sight of all the happy young mothers. I'm terrified I'm gonna burst out at this next most joyous event too. It's embarrassing.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Sunday Ramblings
Feeling blah today. Depressing hurricane weather, rude people, MIA boss, stupid argument with the boyfriend... it keeps going.
Some good things: Looking forward to Pancake Wednesday with the previous awesome roommate. Payday this Friday. Charlotte this coming weekend with my mom. And...
Well, the other day. Needed a place to put the sticker, and the vitamin bottle seemed as good as any. Glad I rocked the vote early and don't have to worry about Election Day anymore.
Someone asked the other day: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? I replied with 24 or so, but I'm not really sure. I don't always mentally feel like an adult. I sometimes feel old physically though, which is sad. (Hopefully that'll change after more time at the gym!) Some days I'm a teenager, some it's more like an old woman. I guess I'll stick with my own damn near 30.
Some good things: Looking forward to Pancake Wednesday with the previous awesome roommate. Payday this Friday. Charlotte this coming weekend with my mom. And...
Well, the other day. Needed a place to put the sticker, and the vitamin bottle seemed as good as any. Glad I rocked the vote early and don't have to worry about Election Day anymore.
Someone asked the other day: How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are? I replied with 24 or so, but I'm not really sure. I don't always mentally feel like an adult. I sometimes feel old physically though, which is sad. (Hopefully that'll change after more time at the gym!) Some days I'm a teenager, some it's more like an old woman. I guess I'll stick with my own damn near 30.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Tick Tock
I think I have a girl crush on this chick right here. She's a strong lady battling endo whose blog I ran across a couple of years ago while immersing myself (well, more like reading and observing) in the online TTC community. Earlier this year I fell behind in my blog reading and have been catching up on hers lately, although I'm only up to August right now.
Anyways, the more I read the more inspiring I find her to be. While dealing with infertility and heartache, she decided to focus on her. She swore off men for awhile, got herself back in healthy physical shape and pursued her interests more.
There's so much I want to try, explore and do, but fear always seems to get in the way. And so does that damn ticking clock! I want to hit the snooze button on the freakin thing. I want to be able to pause it so I can do what I need to for me without worrying that my fertility (if I have any) is dwindling away.
The fear I'm currently working on. I'm getting out and doing more things. I'm gyming it up trying to get myself back in shape and physically feeling better. But the voice way deep down that keeps pushing the "Marry a nice man and find out if you can make babies right now!" agenda is harder to work with and silence.
Hence the snooze button.
Anyways, the more I read the more inspiring I find her to be. While dealing with infertility and heartache, she decided to focus on her. She swore off men for awhile, got herself back in healthy physical shape and pursued her interests more.
There's so much I want to try, explore and do, but fear always seems to get in the way. And so does that damn ticking clock! I want to hit the snooze button on the freakin thing. I want to be able to pause it so I can do what I need to for me without worrying that my fertility (if I have any) is dwindling away.
The fear I'm currently working on. I'm getting out and doing more things. I'm gyming it up trying to get myself back in shape and physically feeling better. But the voice way deep down that keeps pushing the "Marry a nice man and find out if you can make babies right now!" agenda is harder to work with and silence.
Hence the snooze button.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
30 Days
I remember reading a long time ago about someone's postulation of the time it takes to mostly get over someone and be able to move on... They claimed it was approximately half the amount of time the relationship actually lasted. I have no idea if that is true, but it would put my finish line at about a month from now.
I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?
It certainly can't hurt to try.
I know you can't force healing or put a time limit on "mourning" (which it still feels like I'm doing) over something like this, but I wonder if having a goal like that would help. If setting a certain stopping point could work. Allow myself to pout and feel sad for thirty more days, then tell myself to stop. Could it actually work like that? Could I prep my heart and brain to stop dwelling and really be ready for what lies ahead?
It certainly can't hurt to try.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I'm a Killer
I killed my marriage, I know I did. I didn't pull the trigger or put the final nail in the coffin, but I had a big hand in it. I put too much on him. I wanted too much out of him. I was too dependent on him. I wish I'd had more self confidence. I wish I hadn't been so depressed. There's a lot I wish he'd done differently too, by I've already shared my thoughts on that a few times.
A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.
Because I didn't want him to leave me.
A group of us were talking at work this morning about marriages and the things that do and don't work in them. I did all the don'ts. I got my self worth from being with him. I wanted us to be each other's everything and that be enough. Even though I knew it was totally ridiculous, I got jealous when he wanted to do something on his own or hang out with his friends without me. I was scared to upset him. I was scared to say what I needed to half the time.
Because I didn't want him to leave me.
Saturday, October 6, 2012
The Pre Breakup
... or The Breakup Plan. I don't know if either of those are right, but I don't know what else to call it.
We went out to dinner last night and ended up in the beginning of our end. It started over drinks with him trying again to convince me to want to move away, which I know I won't. The main course arrived as we were acknowledging that we aren't going to be together in the long run for that reason and many others. The meal ended with us deciding to enjoy the time we have left together but realizing that a better offer (job, location, person) could come along at any time. Otherwise I guess we'll wait until our lease ends.
At the end of the night I felt okay but this morning I find myself sad. It's like we're closer now that we've been totally honest about everything, even though it was so difficult. It was a mutual decision that had been coming for awhile... from both sides apparently, which I learned last night.
Why do I feel so crappy?
We went out to dinner last night and ended up in the beginning of our end. It started over drinks with him trying again to convince me to want to move away, which I know I won't. The main course arrived as we were acknowledging that we aren't going to be together in the long run for that reason and many others. The meal ended with us deciding to enjoy the time we have left together but realizing that a better offer (job, location, person) could come along at any time. Otherwise I guess we'll wait until our lease ends.
At the end of the night I felt okay but this morning I find myself sad. It's like we're closer now that we've been totally honest about everything, even though it was so difficult. It was a mutual decision that had been coming for awhile... from both sides apparently, which I learned last night.
Why do I feel so crappy?
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Updates and Such
I decided to get out of town this past weekend. Went to visit a friend in Raleigh, and we had a good time. Got some exercise, drank some wine. It was much needed. I got home Sunday afternoon, and the boyfriend and I had a really good evening together. Monday was pretty awesome too
I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago! I was pretty terrified to start out with... having social anxiety, going to the gym had pretty much been one of my worst nightmares. But I really like it! I will go into the "Ladies Only" room if there's a ton of people in the main area, but for the most part it's pretty great. I'm starting to feel better and lose a little weight. I've got a bad back too, and I'm hoping to build up some strength there. I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it... my manager at work (who is really more of a friend) and I joined together and are motivating each other to keep at it. Excited to go again tonight. More excited now that I've actually found some workout clothes I feel comfortable in and am not wearing the same freakin outfit all the time.
Earlier this morning the old roommate and I had our weekly "Pancake Breakfast". I miss her! I also got a free haircut today, then cleaned up the house some to get ready for our quarterly "property review" by the house's rental management company tomorrow. This will be our first one, and I guess they're just making sure we haven't wrecked the place. Gotta take the cat to work with me though and stash all evidence that we have one in the trunk of my car. Didn't have the cash for the extra pet deposit when we first moved in and don't want to pay it now. The guy doing the inspection was pretty disappointed not to be meeting the dog tomorrow, but I just don't trust people alone in the house with him. I guess I'm scared they'll somehow let him get out and run away.
I think that's all my updates for now.
I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago! I was pretty terrified to start out with... having social anxiety, going to the gym had pretty much been one of my worst nightmares. But I really like it! I will go into the "Ladies Only" room if there's a ton of people in the main area, but for the most part it's pretty great. I'm starting to feel better and lose a little weight. I've got a bad back too, and I'm hoping to build up some strength there. I'm pretty sure I'll stick with it... my manager at work (who is really more of a friend) and I joined together and are motivating each other to keep at it. Excited to go again tonight. More excited now that I've actually found some workout clothes I feel comfortable in and am not wearing the same freakin outfit all the time.
Earlier this morning the old roommate and I had our weekly "Pancake Breakfast". I miss her! I also got a free haircut today, then cleaned up the house some to get ready for our quarterly "property review" by the house's rental management company tomorrow. This will be our first one, and I guess they're just making sure we haven't wrecked the place. Gotta take the cat to work with me though and stash all evidence that we have one in the trunk of my car. Didn't have the cash for the extra pet deposit when we first moved in and don't want to pay it now. The guy doing the inspection was pretty disappointed not to be meeting the dog tomorrow, but I just don't trust people alone in the house with him. I guess I'm scared they'll somehow let him get out and run away.
I think that's all my updates for now.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Loopy
I was thrown for a loop today. A newly preggo (with her second) friend came by work today and didn't seem too happy about her condition. Surprised the hell out of me because she'd always wanted a big family and had a really hard time trying to get pregnant the first time. She knew I'd had trouble when I was trying too. If I was pregnant with my second and talking to someone who desperately wants one, I wouldn't be complaining.
My inner clock keeps ticking louder and louder. I feel old. I feel like I need to get started again on trying to have children. That's not gonna happen for quite awhile though.
My inner clock keeps ticking louder and louder. I feel old. I feel like I need to get started again on trying to have children. That's not gonna happen for quite awhile though.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)