In the movie Say Anything he asked, "Why can't you be in a good mood? How hard is it to decide to be in a good mood and be in a good mood once in a while?" It's hard. I've been trying.
I've been a basket case the past few days. I'm okay, then I'm not, then I'm really not. I feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin half the time. I cry out of sheer frustration with myself. The husband is trying his hardest to be supportive, but it's wearing on him.
Barely two weeks off of the anti-depressants and I feel like I'm right back where I started. I think I've always dealt with bouts of mild depression, but I started feeling it worse this past time after I'd been unable to get a job and we decided to take what we thought would be a year long TTC break. I felt worthless and like I was just taking up space. Now I have something to look forward to... we're moving in four months to a bigger town where I'll probably be able to get a job and we're going to start TTC again next month. But I don't feel any better. I still feel hopeless and I don't know why.
The husband wants me to make an appointment with a psychiatrist, but we can't afford for me to have regular appointments. Can an OBGYN prescribe anti-depressants? She's the only doctor I regularly see. The doctor in Memphis said I should give her a heads up to keep an eye on me for postpartum, so maybe? I'm nervous about if I should even go back on meds if we may be pregnant soon. I want to tough this out and get past it on my own, but I don't feel like I'm making any progress.
For some reason I think that once I get pregnant my mood will magically lift because being a mom is what I've wanted my entire life. That once I get pregnant I'll have something real and wonderful to focus on and have no reason to be sad. But that's not realistic, is it? I'm sure it can't work like that. I've been thinking similarly about moving too... that once we're there I'll be able to get a job right away and be contributing again and feel all better. But then I think logically and wonder if that will really happen. I get scared that my anxiety will get in the way of it and I'll totally freak like I did last time. It's embarrassing and I hate it. I get worked up just thinking about it.
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