Happiness is...

I took my last happy pill yesterday morning.  Been on them a year now and decided not to try to get the prescription renewed... refilled... whatever.  I want to see if I can maintain this current control of emotions without them.  Apparently they have a long half-life and it can take awhile before they're fully out of the system.  I hope I don't go all bat-shit emotional again.  I can do this!

Apparently they are also known to kill your sex drive, and come to think of it, mine has been pretty low for the past year so maybe it'll come back.  Not that there's anyone to have sex with, but that's another whatever...  The one person I would want to no longer wants to with me, and the only two people who have made it known that they do with me are married, and that's just not gonna happen.  Why am I only attracting hot married guys lately?  That's just cruel.

Baby Blues

I babysat my niece for a few hours today while her parents went to see a movie.  This was my first time ever babysitting an actual baby, and it went really well.  The dog freaked a little having never really been around a baby, but he settled down.  She loved the dog.  We played and danced, an then she passed out on me.  It was so sweet!  I want one!

Frowny Face

I really want a cigarette right now.  I feel like I'm losing it.  I'm feeling angry and sad and let down and all that junk.  I don't have a person anymore.  I've made more friends than I think I've ever had, but they're all coupled off and I'm the spare wheel again.  Even the single ones have their own other single persons, and I just can't get in there.  I'm so flustered and I don't know who to talk to.  Everyone's out doing their own thing and isn't calling back.  I just don't know where to go from here.

Most of the time I'm pretty copacetic with my life.   I realize everything happens for a reason, and I try to enjoy the ride and not focus too much on the destination.  But I'm not really that kind of person.  I want a family and I'm tired of waiting.  I really just want to be happy again.  I guess tonight it just hit me once more.  Sometimes it feels like it's never going to happen.

March Madness

Spent the afternoon and had dinner with my folks today.  Mom got me thinking.  She asked how the ex was doing and if I'd talked to him lately.  Last week he told me his depression was getting worse, and I told her that.  She then said, "Sounds like you just need each other."

I actually dreamed last night that we got back together.  It was weird at first, and I remember thinking how we'd never be able to get back to how we used to be when things were good.  Then some time passed, and everything was great.  No awkwardness, just love and acceptance.

This month marks a year since we split up.

Up the Vitamins

I've been getting sick a lot lately.  I had several colds late last year.  I had the flu in January, several days of vertigo in February and now I've got what feels like the freakin flu again.  I just went back and looked at the timing of these past three, and they all arrived a few days before AF was due.  Could it be a hormonal or endo related thing?  I did some research and read about quite a few women who get cold/flu symptoms a few days before or during their AFs every month.  Apparently their doctors gave up because they couldn't figure out why.  I read somewhere that the immune system drops significantly between PMS and the end of AF.  Huh.

Looking Back

The ex and I have still been messaging, and it's been nice to be talking to him again.  He's moving in a few months and is in the process of finding a new job.  He has a working interview at a really nice restaurant soon, and yesterday he asked me if I remembered his first one in Birmingham.  I certainly do.  I remember a lot from back then.

I used to get so excited for and proud of him.  I got to watch his excitement when he was accepted to culinary school and then to his first cooking job.  We searched for that perfect hat for his first day and celebrated each time he got a promotion.  He came up with the most amazing recipes.  I'm really sad I won't get to be with him to witness and experience his career as it takes off.

Sometimes even now when I picture the future I can't see it with anyone other than him.  It still doesn't seem real.

No More Balloons

I feel like a really terrible person sometimes.  Just in one particular situation.  At other times I'm fine with it.  It's got to end though.  It's not who I am and it's not going to get me anywhere.  It's a temporary fix at best.  I feel like it could bring me really bad karma if it hasn't already.  Time to be done with it.

Waiting to switch the laundry so I can go to bed...

Bummin a little tonight.  Went to one of those host in your home parties with demonstrations and then the selling of stuff.  It was less than stellar.  Good food and wine, but also anxiety and self-seclusion.  I hate how I can physically feel it work its way over my whole body.

Now I'm home with no roommate, and I'm lonely.  I'm giving stupid eHarmony a shot again.  It's discouraging.  At least seven new matches daily, and not a one of them seems like a possibility.

There have been three guys on my mind lately.  One is now off-limits, one is now a friend without benefits, and one is my ex-husband.  The first still flirts and makes it so hard to continually say no.  The second is still as strange as ever.  And the third... well, we've been in contact a good amount lately, and I'm starting to miss him a lot again.

My realtor friend hooked me up with their lender who is supposed to be freakin awesome at getting people approved.  She didn't say no, but she did say it might be tricky.  I haven't heard from her since yesterday.  I'm hoping that means she's working her magic.  Oh yeah, found out my credit score is also freakin awesome.  That's gotta count for something, right?

Got an addition to my back tattoo last night.  Already ready to add some more.

Hurry up, washing machine!  I'm tired!

Movin' On Up (Trying To)

I fell in love this past weekend.  With a house.  With this house...

Isn't it purdy?!  It's a foreclosure and is a steal for the price.  It does need some work, but it would be fun fixing it up.  It's a no go though.  I applied for a pre-approval and was denied.  Debt to income ratio is too high.  Bah.

I've got a plan though.  I mentioned the plan a little while ago but never got the ball rolling with it.  Now that I have something tangible in mind now, I feel more motivated.  That house will probably be gone by the time I'm ready to buy, but there are quite a few in town that are just what I'm looking for.  I used to work with a girl who is also a realtor, and she's going to help me find the perfect one.  I can't wait!