Simmer Down Now

I've been feeling very anxious lately about things I have no control over and I don't know why. They're not even guaranteed to happen and if they did it would be months away, so I don't know why I'm stressing. They're all work related, and I hate that I let it all get to me so much. I wish I could go home at the end of the day and forget about work. It's such a big part of life though that it's hard to. I have a problem with dwelling on things anyway, and that doesn't help. I continually have this nervous feeling in my stomach. Sometimes I'll wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to go back to sleep because it creeps into my mind and I can't let it go.

Maybe I'm PMS'ing. Maybe once I get my ass back to the gym on a regular basis my mood will improve in general and I won't worry so much. This is the first time I've stressed this much about work since returning over a year and a half ago. Maybe I just need a vacation.

I think I'm starting to stress over things on the home front too. I'll be moving again in less than six months and I don't know yet if I'll be able to buy a house or if that's even something I should be attempting right now. I'm just tired of renting.

I feel like my life is such a mess right now but I think it's just me driving myself crazy. Oh, how nice it would be to get out of my own head every so often.

Holiday Magic

I always thought Christmas and New Year's had a bit of magic to them. They seem to bring excitement and hope. My favorite time of year is the span between Halloween and New Year's Day. The air starts getting a bit crisper (well, sometimes... a lot of times here in NC it's warm until mid December), people get a little bit nicer, and I start anticipating the feeling of togetherness the holidays bring.

This year was a little different though, and if I recall correctly, last year was too. Christmas was very nice, but the magic wasn't there. It felt rushed and something to just get through so I could go home. New Year's was less than stellar too. I usually feel a bit of excitement to see the clock change and know we're at the beginning of a brand new year with new hopes and possibilities, but I really just didn't care this time around.

Does that just happen when you get older? Have I lost my childlike wonder?  Will I get it back when I have kids and get to see it through their eyes?

As silly as it may sound, I think part of it is the lack of winter break since getting out of school. With all the working through the season and only getting one day off, it makes sense that the magic slowly disappears. I think life would be better with a summer vacation too.

I want a hippopotamus for Christmas!

That song's in my head, and I love it!

It's been a good, busy week.  Work was crazy with all the holiday business.  Only a half day tomorrow, which is fantastic.  We had our staff Christmas party at a restaurant downtown last night, and it was wonderful.  It was probably the most low-key one I've been to, but I think everyone had a good time.  We did the "White Elephant" thing, and I stole a gift card.  I felt kinda bad "stealing" a gift, but the person who first had it went up and ended up with another of the same, so no harm, no foul!

Found a very old friend on FB yesterday.  He had sent me a message back in freakin March, but it went to some "Other" folder in the message center that I'd never seen until yesterday.  I was going through FB's new security things and learned about it.  Craziness.  It's a cool story with him though... We met in a chat room (remember those?!) back when we were both in 8th grade which was 1997, I think.  We emailed and chatted all through high school, then finally met when we were 20 or so.  We kind of fell out of touch about five years ago.  It's nice to talk to him again.

I'm so excited for Tuesday!  I think I've nailed all my gifts for everyone this year.  My favorite one is for my step-dad.  He's a writer and has been in the process of turning one of his screenplays into a novel for quite some time now.  He's got it based in our old town and mentioned once he'd hoped to get a picture of the river at sunrise for the cover.  I finally dragged my ass out of bed early enough and drove there on a gorgeous morning this week.  There was a mist on the river, and the sun made it glow.  I noticed a cop keeping an eye on me, but I think he was just being nosy, haha.  The pictures turned out beautifully, and I can't wait for him to see them.  He's not in the best of health, and I don't know if he'll get to finish that book, but maybe this will keep him going on it for a bit.

Happy Holidays!

Does My Dog Count?

The other day at work, I was printing a receipt on our ancient dot-matrix printer and thought I heard the customer ask "Are you ready for Christmas?"  With the printer being so freakin loud, I wasn't sure if that was what she had really said, so I asked her to repeat it.

"Is your baby ready for Christmas?"

My reply?  "Um... my dog is ready."

"Oh, I thought you were the one that had the baby."

"Nope."

This happens all the time.  A girl left almost two years ago when she had her baby, and so many of our clients seem to think I'm her.  Even though I was there way before her and have been there way after she left.  It's really awkward each time too.  I love getting to say, "Nope, not me.  I don't have any kids."  All.  The.  Time.

Blah, blah, blah... funny video

This is the second Christmas season without the husband, and a much as I hate to say it, I still miss him.  I don't dwell on it most of the time anymore, but every now and then I do think about it.  He just got me, and the more time that passes, the more less likely it seems that I'll be able to find that with another person.  (Other than my ex-roommate turned best friend... she totally gets me, but it's just not quite the same, haha.)

Things with the boyfriend have been amazing lately, and I do love him, but it doesn't feel the same as it did with the ex-husband.  I know it's not supposed to, but there are several things that are missing.  I think one is that "can't live without you and don't even wanna think about trying" feeling.  I'm sad it's not there.  I thought it was in the beginning, but a lot of that was lust and also just really wanting to find the one and settle down so damn badly.

I think I'm just scared right now.  I'm in a relationship that is supposed to end in a few months, which is just weird.  He said the other night he wasn't sure he wants it to end.  Sometimes I do wonder if maybe we could be right for each other.  We've still got time, and maybe those feelings can develop.  But then again, if they were going to be there, shouldn't they already be by now?  I don't want to trick myself into believing they are just because I'm scared of starting over again.

I keep wanting to find a man that's totally right for me, but what if there isn't one?  What if I have him now and am blowing it?  I'm over thinking things right now, geez.  In my heart I feel I will find the one I'm meant to be with, but obviously I do stress about it... occasionally.

Funny video about how I sometimes feel now and my fears for the future...

Rotten Eggs

Did anyone see that episode of New Girl a few weeks ago where Jess and Cece started freaking out about their fertility?  Their lady doctor friend informed them that a woman loses about 90% of her eggs by the age of thirty.

In all my reading and studies while TTC I didn't recall seeing that particular statistic so I chose to believe it was made up for TV Land, but a little Googling informed me otherwise.  Apparently there was a study several years ago which determined that terrifying number.  So... I guess I only have about 12% of my ovarian reserve left right now.

That's just fucking fantastic.

"Who's gonna lay a flag down on this sweet, sweet continent?"  I don't know but I guess I'd better find out pretty fucking soon.

Courtesy of tv.com

Vanishing Act

I wrote this really long post yesterday, but it's all gone now.  Since the new app update, there's not a save draft button anymore.  Imagine my surprise when I came back to the app to find all my words had disappeared.  So, now for the short version...

Things with the boyfriend are okay right now.   I got a raise.  I'm excited for the holidays, have done my Christmas cards and am enjoying the holiday music.

There was something else, but I forget.

Blessingway, Part 2

The sequel to Blessingway... Had the ceremony for my best friend last night.  It was much smaller with just her mother, sisters and me.  It was just as lovely, but my tears weren't as innocent this time.  When it was her mother's turn to "bless" I teared up.  No sobbing or anything, but it was pretty obvious in our small group of six.  She was going on and on about the miracle of an extension to their family growing inside of her daughter's belly and what a miraculous transformation it would bring.  That's where I got totally jealous.
I hope that maybe one day I will get my family.  I keep remembering how I tried once and lost who I thought was my Prince Charming.  I'm reminded how I tried to get pregnant, was unsuccessful, was diagnosed with endo and just don't know what the hell's going on in there.  Although I'm so, so happy for her, I'm jealous of her getting started on her happily ever after.  I want to get started on mine again.

Didn't help that the boyfriend was totally unsympathetic when I talked to him this morning.  "You shouldn't be jealous, you'll get all that too."  "Oh, you didn't really try that long."  "Endo isn't a disease."  That last one was from a couple of weeks ago, but still pissed me off.  Oh, and fun fact... I learned recently that women with endo have E. coli in their menstrual blood.  Isn't that lovely?

And on that note, I'm off to make bird's nest cookies and a cheese ball that looks like an owl for the baby shower today.  Wish me luck on several levels please...

Funky Friday

When it comes to the endometriosis, I try to keep an open mind.  It sucks that I have it, and it has caused me a great deal of pain through the years, but I've got that part mostly under control at the moment.  And to be fair, I can't really blame it for not getting pregnant when I was trying to... there were a lot of other factors such as bad timing and lack of cooperation.  In fact, I lost count of how many people said "At least there were no children" when they learned I was getting divorced.  Those words hurt back then, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be at the time.  I don't really know if I'll have trouble the next time I try.  That part I'm kind of okay with.  I don't like the unknown aspects of it, but there's not much I can do about it right now.

I think that's the part that pisses me off.  In three short months I'll be thirty, and I thought my life would be very different by now.  Once again, some days I am okay with it.  But other days, like yesterday, I was nothing but "Poor, pitiful me" and "It's just not fair!"  All I saw were the most adorable happy couples with their little baby bumps, fathers with their kids who they were obviously crazy about and completely unready teenagers.  And no, this wasn't at the lady doctor's office... they all strolled in and out of my workplace all freakin day.  It was an emotional roller coaster of a day.  By the end of it I was exhausted and didn't want to do anything other than go home, have a glass or two of wine and crash.  Didn't even make it to the gym, even though Friday's the day I look forward to going the most.

Why is it the thing you've wanted your entire life is the hardest thing to accomplish?  I never wanted a career.  I never cared about being an important person who makes a major discovery or something of the sort.  All I ever wanted since I was a teenager was to fall in real, lasting love and have a family.  Nothing too complicated or seemingly out of the question, right?

Now I'm wondering if maybe it's not going to happen.  I'm wondering if I'm even really relationship material.  Things went wrong in my marriage, and now I'm not sure about things with the current guy.  Have I just not found the right one, or is it really me destroying everything?  Then again, the right one will be dubbed so for a reason... he'll love me for all I am and won't leave when times get tough.  Isn't that the way it's supposed to work?