Disc Golf

I've only played twice before, and my third experience with it was today in a freakin tournament.  My roommate talked me into it.  Luckily it was doubles, and I got to choose her as my partner... this time only.  Apparently if I decide to do this again, it's luck of the draw for a partner.

My first time playing was a little over a year ago, and the second was with her last week.  She said I'm a natural, and our teammates today agreed, so yay me, haha.  Definitely need practice though, and I can totally do that now because she bought me my first disc after the tournament today...

Isn't it pretty? :)  I ♥ my roommate!

The best part of this tournament thing?  The boys.  Cute boys.  There were about thirty people all together, and only three of us were women.  We went out to dinner with quite a few of them afterwards and had a pretty great time.  I had a couple of drinks and enjoyed myself thoroughly.

Thank goodness I'm not working tomorrow... I'm gonna hurt!

Okay... now I explode....

I AM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF AT ENDOMETRIOSIS!!!! 

I absolutely HATE the fact that I have to worry about and deal with all the SHIT that goes along with it!! 

I HATE that life is already difficult enough without this STUPID DISEASE making things a thousand times worse!

I HATE that all I ever wanted was a truly loving and intimate relationship with a man (along with having a family with him, but that's a totally different rant!), and that that is probably the hardest thing to get! 

IT'S FUCKING HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT ENDO!!  WHY THE ADDED COMPLICATIONS?!?

Here we go again...

For me, sex has always been something that makes people go away.  Whether I'm having it with them or not.  If I'm not, then they move on because I'm not.  The one man I have had sex with said he didn't want to because the fact that it hurt me hurt him.  So, damned if I do and damned if I don't?

I'm scared to have sex with someone else.  I'm scared it's going to hurt, and if it does, I'm scared that that fact will scare him away.  Not that there's even a "him" to potentially scare away right now.

I just don't know what to do.  Should I wait until I find someone to really care about and hope it goes well?  Or should I go ahead and find out with someone who it's only a physical thing with so there's no emotional rift between us if it doesn't go well?  Will I eventually find someone who will still want to make love to me even though he knows it hurts me?

Yes, there is pain a lot of the time, but to me it's worth it to be able to be with the one I care about.  The pain is temporary.  The feelings that I'm loved, wanted and desired that I get from sex with someone I care about far outlast the pain.

I know I'm a freakin broken record and keep coming back to this subject.  I wish I could just get it over with and move on already.  I wish I could let myself do that.

Mind Shrinking Over Java

I had another therapy appointment this afternoon, and it was much needed.  Hadn't seen her in about a month, and I think that's just a little too long to go right now.  She splits her time between here and Charlotte and ended up having to give up her office space here, so we met at a coffee shop today.  It was different, but just as effective.  I feel so much better after talking to her.

I've been having a rough time and she gave me a new perspective today.  Some things to think about when I'm getting really down.  Hopefully I can put that into action when the time comes again.  If not, I'll get another reminder when I see her again in a couple of weeks.  I'm going to start associating her with coffee and get really excited about it before too long, haha.

I do love me some coffee.

Upgrade?

Am I behind the times technologically too?  Yes, I can be a bit of an internet addict, but I'm one of the few people I know who doesn't access the internet on their phone.  When we were at the ball game, the three friends I went with were constantly checking their email and Facebook accounts.  I think they saw more of those than the actual game.  There was a fireworks display right after, and a couple of minutes into it I looked around at them.  Every single one was watching through the camera lenses on their phones, trying to capture it all instead of actually watching and enjoying it in the moment.  I thought that was kinda sad.

That said, I need a new phone and I'm debating about getting a stupid smart phone.  You know, to be one of the cool kids.  But, I can't really afford an extra data plan right now, and would I use it anyway?  I'm already paying for internet at home... do I really need it on my phone too?  It would be nice to be able to check emails and messages all the time, but are they really so important that they can't wait a few hours until I get home?

Why is a data plan required to buy a stinkin smart phone anyway?  Why can't I have the option to just get it later if I want?  What happens if I buy a non-smart phone, then decide I want internet a few months down the road, but can't get it until I'm eligible for another upgrade or can fork out the big bucks?

Grrrr...

**Update... I broke down and got an iPhone this evening... I feel so defeated.  But I needed one that actually worked, so it's okay ;)

A Decade Late

Last night was relatively tame compared to my past two Saturdays.  I didn't kiss anyone, I didn't get groped or feel anyone else up.  Yet, I kinda wish something had happened.  Is it wrong to want physical interaction with someone of the opposite sex without a commitment?  I keep going back and forth with myself on this topic.  Ideally, I would like the commitment, but I'm not sure I can do that right now.  Emotionally I just don't think I could really open up to someone else just yet.

I waited 24 years to be physically intimate with someone and I feel I've barely tapped into what all it could be.  As ridiculous as it sounds, I want to have my own sexual revolution.  I want to be able to let go, relax and let myself feel okay with it.  So, is it okay to pursue something like that?  Is that something I could let myself do?

I've never really had that mindset.  I've always believed in the "traditional" route.  But that didn't work.  Times changed a long time ago, but I'm still mainly of the old thinking.  Can I try something different and still be true to who I am?  Would I turn into someone who I don't respect, and at what point would that be?

I feel so stupid to be going through this at 28... shouldn't this have happened something like ten or so years ago?

Take me out to the ball game...

Went to my first baseball game today... minor league.  I pulled for the visiting team because the boys were cuter and warmed up about thirty feet away from us.  I may have swooned a little in my seat.

Who knew you had to get dolled up to go to a freakin baseball game if you're single?  Both my roommate and a coworker demanded I dress nicely because there would be boys and lots of pictures.  When we got there I felt like everyone was staring at me because I was waaay over dressed and looked like I was on the prowl.  It wasn't a good feeling.  I didn't feel like me.

My anxiety kicked in, and I couldn't relax.  I was terrified as I ordered a hot dog, as we walked to our seats and throughout pretty much the whole game.  Then I got sad as I saw all the younger couples with their kids.  I kept thinking how I wished it was me.

Also found out today I look old.  As the four of us were pointed towards our seats, the guy asked if I would be keeping all the younger ones out of trouble.  Yeah...

To end this on a good note though, I made a kick-ass tiramisu for my roommate's birthday.  Never made one before and it rocked.  Go me.

Game Over

I think I'm done with dating for awhile.  If a nice, cute guy wants to approach me, hey, I'm not stopping him.  But I'm done actively seeking out one of them for the time being, cause it's just not working for me.  I'm 0-6 right now.  It's depressing.

The one guy I can't stop thinking about is a married freakin man-whore who was never a possibility at all.  Why the hell can't I stop going back to thinking about him?  Because he's gorgeous and was the first (and only) man to show me any kind of affection in an extremely long time.  Because he's still finding little ways to talk to me.  Because he's got that smile.  Because he's got those hands.

Fuck.

I'm a player...

Talking to two boys at once, oh my!  Yes, we have a Player 6.  Well, I'm still not sure anything's going to happen with Player 5, so I'm not sure I should classify him as a player at all.  It doesn't really matter.

Anyways, Player 6 came up all of sudden today and already has a little piece of my heart.  A sweet Southern gentleman, it seems.  Interesting thing about this guy is that he has the same name as my roommate's boyfriend, which is really not a very common name.  I told her that, and she said it must be destiny, haha.

Please let this go somewhere!!  I'm so tired of first dates.