For me, sex has always been something that makes people go away. Whether I'm having it with them or not. If I'm not, then they move on because I'm not. The one man I have had sex with said he didn't want to because the fact that it hurt me hurt him. So, damned if I do and damned if I don't?
I'm scared to have sex with someone else. I'm scared it's going to hurt, and if it does, I'm scared that that fact will scare him away. Not that there's even a "him" to potentially scare away right now.
I just don't know what to do. Should I wait until I find someone to really care about and hope it goes well? Or should I go ahead and find out with someone who it's only a physical thing with so there's no emotional rift between us if it doesn't go well? Will I eventually find someone who will still want to make love to me even though he knows it hurts me?
Yes, there is pain a lot of the time, but to me it's worth it to be able to be with the one I care about. The pain is temporary. The feelings that I'm loved, wanted and desired that I get from sex with someone I care about far outlast the pain.
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