Suddenly I See

I wasn't myself.  For a long time.  I'm wondering if I ever really knew who I was to begin with.  I knew I had a job and not a career.  I never really wanted a career.  I wanted to get married and have a family.  I was passing the time until that happened.

Then he found me.  Then I fell in love with him.  I thought he was all I would ever need.  He was the man I would spend the rest of my life being happy with, and together we would have a beautiful family.  Then we moved away from everything I knew.  Family, friends, my job.  And I was absolutely fine with it.  I'd always wanted to leave, and that was the perfect opportunity.  Besides, as long as I had him I was set.

Then the depression and anxiety that were always in the background came forward.  And they fed off of each other and just got worse.  I should have gotten help.  Whoever I was, if that was anyone at all, I lost her.  But it was okay, because I had him.  So I clung to him.  Too tightly.  And that pushed him away.  In my mind I knew what I was doing was bad for the relationship, but I just couldn't help it.  I wanted him to fill the emptiness I'd felt my entire life.  I wanted him to not want anything other than to be my everything.

As he was ending it all, I told him that he was my everything.  He said that that was wrong.  That I should be my everything.  I told him that was total bullshit.  And I believed it.  I still do.  But now, I see how I did need more than him.  I see how he needed more than I could offer at the time.  I'm still upset that he completely bailed on our vows and commitment to each other, but I guess I see part of his side a little more.

This has been an incredibly hard learning experience.  I keep wondering if I'm really growing or if the anti-depressants have just helped to calm me.  Since I started taking them, I almost feel like a completely different person.  The anxiety isn't as persistent.  The depression isn't always lurking.

I'd always felt like a basket case.  I'd always felt like there was something wrong with me, even though I didn't totally know what it was.  All that's not completely gone, but for the most part I really don't feel that way about myself anymore.  I almost feel good.  I do feel hopeful.  Well, right now anyways.