Angry

I find myself a little angry today. I logged into Facebook when I got up this morning and discovered that yet another friend is pregnant. That makes about four friends in the past couple of months. Don’t get me wrong, I’m very happy for her and for all of them, but I thought the dreaded “Why not me?” again. That questioning only lasted a few seconds as I quickly remembered that we’re not even trying right now. And I’m on freakin birth control. Duh, of course not me. Then I remembered why.

Then I got angry. Angry that I have this stupid condition. Angry that we can’t afford the treatment for it. Angry that it costs so much in the first place. Angry that it’s taking the insurance company so long to decide if I’m worth covering. Angry that I don’t have a job. Angry that the place I applied yesterday turned out to be the children’s clinic I’d chosen to go to if we did have a baby. Angry that the one thing I’ve ever really wanted I can’t have and won’t even be able to try for again for a very, very long time. Angry that I have no one to talk to about all this.

Then the internet went out again and I got angry about that. So I decided to make ciabatta bread, and the stickiness of the dough pissed me off, and I ended up angry at that. Then angry at myself for getting flour all over the kitchen, which I don’t normally do. And it just kept going and rolling downhill after that. I’m tired of being angry.

This next thing I wasn’t angry about, but sad. I told the husband about the camera yesterday, and the look on his face very rightly and understandably said, “Ha, you’re dreaming.” Then I came back down to reality. We’re supposed to be paying off debts and saving up for possible surgery and pregnancy down the road… how could I forget about that? And then I felt guilty. I guess I’m just looking for something else to wish for for right now, to try to forget what I really wish for. Does that make sense? I guess it’s good to dream… just have to dream for something more practical.

To end this on a positive note, the cable company guy came out and had the internet back up within an hour of when I called. That’s crazy awesome, and crazy unheard of!!