I feel like such a terrible person sometimes. Yesterday was another one of those times. I got a call from one of my oldest friends and she told me she is pregnant. She was one of the friends I hadn't spoken to for several months and called last week. During that call we caught up and discovered that each of us was trying to get pregnant. I told her my situation and she told me hers. She went off birth control sometime around October but never got her period back. She ended up changing her diet some and I think she just had her first normal cycle. And now she's knocked up.
When I saw it was her calling yesterday I figured she had some kind of news since we'd just spoken those few days earlier. Her voice sounded like it was going to be bad, but I guess she was just trying to be sensitive to my feelings since she knew our situation. I really appreciated that. I acted my little heart out and made my voice sound crazy excited and happy, which I was, but I was also heartbroken.
And I was jealous.
After we hung up I absolutely lost it. I was crying and declaring how unfair it was. And then I started judging. She and her husband have always had some issues. They fight a lot. She cheated on him less than a year ago and they were briefly separated after that. They'd been separated a time or two before that also. She freakin left the state and lived with a friend for months last year. How could they be the ones to get pregnant so easily? Why wasn't it us, the ones in a loving and committed relationship who are there for each other no matter what? She has her flaws, but I love her to death and felt terrible all night for thinking like that. For thinking that I somehow deserve it more than she does.
She is part of a family of four girls who I've known since I was eight when we moved in down the road from them. They welcomed me as another sister and made me feel very included in their family. They were a "real" family with a mother and a father, which I'd always wanted. I was at their house more than I was my own, and we grew up together. When the first of them got married it was like the event of the year. She was doted upon and got everything she wanted. When the two oldest graduated college they were given trips to New York City. I've always been jealous of all that. I've always wanted what they had, even though I had a family of my own who treated me wonderfully.
I have wanted to be the first of us five to get pregnant. Unfairly and selfishly, I wanted to have the attention from them that would go with being the first. I felt yesterday that whenever I do manage to get pregnant, to them it will not be as special anymore. Like just another friend who's pregnant. But it would never be as special for them anyway because I'm not really their blood family. They'll be excited, of course, but not like I was an actual sister. How could I expect it to be? I'm 800 miles away and rarely see or talk to them, although I hate that we don't keep in touch more. I don't understand why I still compare myself and my accomplishments to them and theirs. I always thought I would get over it as I got older, but I'm still jealous. I still feel so childish in that respect.
Its impossible not to feel that way. I have a VERY similar situation that I went through last June and its sooo hard not to be jealous and angsty. Just let yourself feel what you need to feel, you'll come around eventually if you're meant to. And you'll be a mom someday because you're meant to.
ReplyDeleteWe have all been there lady, and it does not make you a terrible person. It just makes you human.... Sometimes, no matter how happy you want to be for someone, this just hurts...
ReplyDeleteThank you ladies!
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