Sex, or lack thereof...

I'm mad at endometriosis and feel like blaming it for ending my marriage right now.  Sex has never felt great, and I blame that on the endo.  The husband has been the only man I've ever slept with.  I was waiting for love and when I found it I was 24 and had built sex up like crazy over the years.  I'd never really trusted men and was thankful to be comfortable enough with him to go for it.  The first few times we had sex were not pleasant, but I chalked it up to me being really nervous.  Over time it became more pleasurable, but not always.  More often than not it wasn't.  But I LOVED being with my husband and constantly got crazy worked up wanting to jump him.

After awhile though he didn't seem as interested in sex anymore.  I wondered if I was doing something wrong or if he was just losing attraction for me.  What I didn't learn from him until recently was that every time we had sex that was painful for me, it really affected him.  I tried my damnedest, but sometimes during the act I would tear up.  Definitely not the best thing, I know, but I couldn't help it... it really hurt!  I assured him it wasn't because of him, that it was my stupid body, but it really got to him.

Then sex became so infrequent that it was a big issue for us.  I wanted it, but it seemed like he never did.  There was so much tension and stress involved with it all that it turned him off completely.  He hadn't really shared any of that with me though, and every time I tried to talk to him about our lack of a sex life he would get upset.  The only time he ever really yelled at me was during one of those talks.

Not that I'm interested in dating any time soon, but I can't help but wonder how it's all supposed to go down in the future.  When I'm ready to have sex again, what the hell am I supposed to do?  Give fair warning that it may not go so well, hope he doesn't lose his boner and gives it a shot anyway?  Or just go for broke and pray that I don't end up in tears and scare another one away?

And, for that matter, when the hell am I supposed to bring up endometriosis and the fact that I may have trouble getting pregnant?  A few dates in before anyone gets really emotionally involved?  Well into the relationship when we start talking about the future?  After he proposes?

Right now I can't even picture myself ever feeling comfortable enough with another man to even get to the point of sex or marriage.

UGH!!  I'm so mad that I actually have to think about all this!!  I was with the man I intended to spend the rest of my life with, and he said he would stand by my side in dealing with all this endo crap.  I was so happy to have him and know that it was him and me taking on the world together.  That I wouldn't ever have to face anything alone again.

Right now I'm blaming you, endometriosis.  Not only have you caused me great physical pain throughout my life, you have now contributed to the greatest emotional pain I've ever experienced.  Thanks for that.